i keep waiting

for big news. to post about a new discovery that we've made in the world of infertility - that we've finally gone to the endo and he's discovered something else than uttering the words we already know - "oh, your testicles are small." - seriously? we already know that - and ps doctor - i think they are just fine.

another rounds of test. another - oh you're within normal range but not really - so much so that we'd like to send you to the mayo clinic - oh really? what are we missing here?

i promise i've been reading blogs - just nothing much to report on our end - let's be honest - i hope 2011 is a better year.

annoying

i feel most days like we have a pretty good handle on our decisions with starting a family. this spring A will be getting his bonus. he's has had a really great year. his bonus will allow for us to pay off a big chunk of the debt from business school. it will no longer make us the 30 something couple that lives paycheck to paycheck. it's a good feeling. would it be enough for us to do IVF? yes. but we'd be right back in the same place we are now. driving two old cars, not saving & add a child to the mix of no money - it wouldn't be good. we both know this.

this afternoon - the little boy that i watch - his mom - called me to tell me she went to her OBGYN today and that such and such doctor can do this and that and blah blah blah! no shit sherlock - you don't think we've looked into every possible thing in this small town wisconsin?

sometimes i get so annoyed by everyone (people that haven't faced infertility) giving there two sense - it's times like this that i really regret telling anyone IRL about what is going on and why we don't have children.

giving thanks

it's the season to be thankful. i'd love to have a big pity party... but i'll do that tomorrow. tonight. i give thanks.

1. my marriage. not perfect. flawed. broken at times & carefully mended back together.
2. my husband. i have no idea what tree he fell off of but i often wish we needed eggs & not sperm - because they don't come better than him (except when he doesn't pick his clothes up or bites his fingernails)... giving thanks.
3. my legs. to run. run. run. exercise has kept me sane.
4. my nikon. my photography business is busy & it's a more than welcomed distraction.
5. my grandmother. seven miscarriages. she gives me hope.
6. my mother. her true & honest attempt to "understand" this year - made me realize i love her more now than i ever thought possible.
7. my big brother. same as my mom.
8. my best girlfriends. they listen.
9. my father. the most humble, kind & caring man alive.
10. my childhood.

true story

friday night. chicago. two amazing friends. one AM. we had dinner late - so we had a few glasses of wine - but nothing crazy. i'm talking IF. they listen. so well. like i said - amazing friends. i ask if they'd like to see a picture of our donor (we bought the childhood pictures). they said YES YES YES! so excited for us. i login to my iphone - our donor - fucking retired. not kidding. no warning. missed the opportunity to buy. retired. seriously. i'm about ready to lose my shit.

this is the song that will not end. it just goes on and on my friends.

i hope & pray that the families that already have kids with our donor were able to buy enough if they so choose to have the same DNA w/ their children - but this sucks.

don't you worry - i ordered a martini - this IF bullshit wasn't going to ruin a perfectly good night in chicago ladies.

switching gears

i'm so happy the elections are over. if there is one thing i can't stand more than people posting pictures of their kids in their cute halloween costumes - it's their political views. i don't want to hear about it. honestly. i grew up in a house with a democrat & a republican. for 38 married years - it has worked. our household is the same. one democrat - one republican. honestly - i could give a rats ass who you vote for but if you push it down my throat - i'll choke you :)

in our IF world - tomorrow we're going to another doctor - to approach this in a whole new view - a simple - thing for A to say - 'I don't feel well & my hair is falling out' - HELP.... maybe - just maybe - we can get to the bottom of this (a girl can have big dreams can't she?)

we also found a clinic where we'll do our next IUI - it's dirt cheap. i met a girl at a bar (don't judge) who used a donor - and she said that she gave me the number for the clinic. the women at the clinic talked to me on the phone yesterday for 25 minutes. she never tried to stop me. she listened - i know, can you believe it? amazing. now we have to get all the paperwork get it faxed over - and start over again with me...

Giuliana & Bill

anyone else watch them? they did ivf - they had a miscarriage.

it's sad right now. giuliana is trying to remain positive - bill is wanting to get a move on it right away again & friends are saying all the wrong things.

goes to show - the best doctors, the best care & a whole lot of money can't cure everything.

i wish there was a way for the IF world to reach out to her - to let her know we're here - and we get it.

next steps

on friday we are going to see my PA. she's an amazing PA. she will sit and listen to me tell her a story for an hour. i told A i just want to go in there & look at this from "i'm not feeling well" and not "we can't get pregnant". i feel like i'm always picking up the peices in our marriage. sometimes it's exhausting. i hope that we find something out with autoimmune. could it be his thyroid? it sure feels like everything that you look up - you can find one thing that he has. but this... it's every single one of them.

fatigue, exhaustion (he's was falling asleep at work before going gluten free)
feeling run down and sluggish (he always talks about being tired)
depression (he said he's had a lot of aniexty)
difficulty concentrating, brain fog (don't we all have this?)
dry, coarse and/or itchy skin (he has dandruff - it's been really bad)
dry, coarse and/or thinning hair (not kidding, he has been using rogaine & we blammed it on going of clomid)
feeling cold, especially in the extremities (he's breaking out in hives in really cold weather on his hands - ever since he got stung by the bee)
constipation (sorry ladies, but he's always complaining about this)
muscle cramps (he gets charlie horses like no other)
infertility (they say this happens if nothing has been done in a long time)

maybe it's another dead end. it's very possible - but if that's the case - we're just one step closer to getting to the root of all of this. i really want A to feel better.

this is the song that will not end

i have another blog. i wrote about my infertility struggles a bit on that blog and met some of you there - but i felt like i couldn't always be honest about what was going on. so that's why i'm here. i'm 100% open to meeting people - feel like i'm willing to talk to any stranger on the street about what is going on w/ us - but on this blog - everyone says the right thing to me - because you all have been through this - so far - no one has said anything that makes me want to reach through my mac and slap you in the face :)

so - here's what's been going with our life the last two weeks.

A got his test results from the doctor for his testosterone levels while I was on vacation with my mom. he told me that the nurse said that they were "within normal limits" - he told me this when i got home. i was beyond excited. i told him he should do a SA right away so that when we would go back to see the doctor we would know for sure what is going on & figure out if there were any other changes.

he's been unmedicated now (previously on clomid & before that on armidex) since February.

also while i was on vacation - he finally went to go and see the allergist. in august he got stung by a bee and went into anaphylactic shock. he did get an epi pen but the er doctor said that he needed to go & get tested. (i'm a little annoyed he scheduled this w/ out me - because he never asks questions) so they did bee testing - he's allergic to all stinging insects - like - kill him allergic. including the german cockroach - who knew there was one of those? we also found out he's allergic to latex.

monday he went back to get tested for environment & food. he's pretty much allergic to all of wisconsin & shellfish too.

this leads me to believe his infertility is caused by an autoimmune disease. anyone with information? i'm all ears.

yesterday we went back to the doctor. his testosterone is at 261. this doctor says normal is 200-800 or old doctor said that it's 400-1000.

bottom line - i'm fine using a donor - i just want A to feel better - i feel like it's the blind leading the blind & we're just chasing.

i knew it.

two months ago a & i were presented with a pretty unbelievable opportunity. i got a text message from a friend who's neighbors niece was due to give birth and wanted to give her baby up for adoption. while a & i have talked about this before - we didn't think that it was something that we were ready for quite yet however i also truly believe that beggar's can't be choosers. so i decided that we would meet with her.

she sent out a few emails to me to schedule a time to meet and i was less than impressed with her grammar skills, her language & her follow through. i knew, it was not a good fit. she also wanted an open adoption. i felt like her family was really pushing for it.

i finally decided to email her back with the name of the adoption agency that a friend of ours is using. she replied back that she was working with the agency & we wished each other the best.

my friend sent me a text last night. she had the baby girl. the adoptive parents were in the delivery room with her.

she kept the baby.

that poor family.

goes to show again - follow your gut. 100% of the time.

ouch

one of my best friends... i girl i've spoken of before who has been honest, kind, caring & encourging in my life has really disappointed me. 

our husbands went to graduate school together. we spent nearly every waking moment hanging out, running, eating dinner together & drinking beers. 

while in graduate school - they got pregnant (2006). had a baby (2007). got pregnant again. miscarried (2008). got pregnant again (2009). had a baby (2009). got pregnant. miscarried. (2010). got pregnant again. (2010). 

after a & i moved last year - we now live less than 40 minutes from them. we do things often and talk nearly every week. 

the last - got pregnant again - i found out about from a facebook update. are you fucking kidding me? i'm pissed. mostly at myself. have i really made myself so unavailable? 

then i get some lame ass text from her saying not to check facebook - she jumped the gun too fast - she has news for me - she knew i saw. 

i texted her back and said - "i saw - congrats - just might be hard to talk about. you guys are great parents." 

i'm annoyed because she knew about us TTC w/ our donor sperm & she was calling and asking about it - grrrr! 

we're suppose to have dinner for her birthday with her, another pregnant girl, a women who has two kids & their spouses on friday night. 

lame.  

i'm back

i'm home from a week in paradise. i mean what did i have to complain about when i was looking at this?

i was so out of the loop on this trip. my dad called randomly this summer when my mom, brother, his wife & their four kids were visiting and said that our friend got an amazing deal - and he wanted to send my mom & i. my dad doesn't travel. it's a long story - i wish he would - but he doesn't. so we jumped on it. my mom had said a few people that were going. i thought 6 of us in total turns out - 16 of us went. it was a blast. i didn't know most of the people but by the end of the trip - we all walked away with friendships. 

one of the girls that i went with is my parents neighbor - she lives in the country with her three kids. she use to live there with her husband too. until he died of cancer. with three little kids & a young 31 year old wife at home. it's sad. beyond sad. i only knew her once her husband was "already dying." i didn't know them as a young, healthy, vibrant couple. i knew them as a women who was traveling from rural wisconsin to new york city and paying $21,000.00 a month for medication that was hurting her husband so much he couldn't even have sex with her. 

through spending the week talking - we discovered that infertility and death are a lot the same. people don't know what to say - so they end up saying the wrong thing. they end up saying things that make you want to reach across the table and pull out their eye lashes. one by one. we discovered that everyone's reality is different. we cried. we laughed. and she very well became one of my hero's. i can't imagine the hell she's been through. a few years before her husband died - her mom died & her sister had a stroke. seriously? 

tomorrow i'll try to post on the doctor follow up. i can't tell you guys thank you enough for listening. 

urologist #4

ok ladies (and gentlemen) - prepare. if you aren't feeling 100% come back and read this when you are. with that being said - here goes :)

today we went to see a new urologist for my husband. he saw someone else when we first moved here but the guy had almost NO knowledge of male infertility and it wasn't a good fit. so once we decided that we were no longer going to do ivf - he said that A should no longer continue to take clomid, arimidex or any other medications because of the long term effect on his liver & kidney's (he was on them for three years) so with that - we also decided it was time for a new doctor.

one of my friends husband's is a radiologist - so i emailed her and asked if she could ask him for a recommendation. i think a lot of her husband and of her - so we went with it.

the doctor was late. not surprised.

here is how our conversation started.

doctor: so why are you here?

us: we've decided that we are going with a sperm donor and so we would like to get A on some testosterone replacement.

doctor: so wait - have you guys tried to have unprotected timed sex for more than a year?

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE MR! first - did you not look at the medical history before you came in to the room - did you not look at this huge binder with all of our information that i'm carrying...

well - my look must have said it all....

he simply looked and me and said "oh, you're way past that."

NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

he continued to interrupt us as we were talking, really questioned why were were there & wanted to know what we wanted done.

his voice was loud, obnoxious & egotistical. he was showing way too much chest hair. his bedside manners were lacking to say the least.

and then... yep... he did it.

he made A "drop your trousers" - no big deal - we've done this before.

but then....

made him bend over at the table.

WITH ME IN THE ROOM

A has been stuck in janitor supply closets jacking off for another SA (true story) - he has carried one too many "cups" to the front desk & endured so much in all of this - but bending over at the table - was one thing they never did - and one thing he was not expecting today.

With the whimper & tear in my A's eye - I have to say - I lost it - Seriously lost it - I acted like a three year old. I couldn't stop laughing - I couldn't believe this was happening. I was in shock. Why didn't he ask if I wanted to leave the room. SERIOUSLY?

I guess the doctor really needed to get it out of his system.

This is what happened next...

Doctor: so what do you want? why are you here?

(ps - i don't fuck around; i don't beat around the bush & i certainly don't take bs from other people)

me: listen (stern and in the eyes) - we want a baby. if i can have a baby with my husband's dna - that's what i want. right now we can't - so we are using a donor. if you'd take the time to look at these SA you'd see that since 2007 & with all kinds of medication my husband still has 0 motility. his volume is .5 at best - his testosterone is terrible - his morphology is 0 & you're the doctor. do you know something we don't know? we'd like some answers. why is this happening?

in that instant - his voice changed. his tone lowered. he started to make eye contact.

damn straight boy - you just stuck your hand where the sun don't shine - and - he didn't like it.... you better listen up.

so - this week A will have some more blood test done. if his testosterone levels are still really low then we'll start with some replacement therapy (the reason we didn't do this before is because it kills the few he has - and if we were going to do ivf - we couldn't do that). if it's normal - some more testicular testing - we just want an answer - and i just want to get laid unexpectedly again - just like all the other if's out there.

things to remember

i leave on saturday for a week long trip to mexico with my mom. really comes at the perfect time. another bfn this week. at least my period should be over with by the time we leave for vacation. while i would much rather be spending the week reading about how a baby was growing in my belly than thinking about the next iui - life moves on. while i didn't expect to get prego overnight - i'm really sick of waiting.

i have a friend who is adopting. while i'm happy for them - this is today's text messages:

friend: any news yet? i need advice in nursery decorating on a budget got any good resources? i am so absolutely overwhelmed you wouldn't believe the drama happening w/ birth mom & dad! And baby may be coming way earlier than expected!

me: got my period today.

me: i don't know of anyone (mind you guys - i do a lot of interior design/photography/art). i'd offer but nursery's are hell for me. :(

friend: oh i am sure!! i guess i was inquiring about cheap craft supplies. i am so sorry about the period. :( I was praying so hard this would be ur month. it's not flipping fair!

friend: When do you leave for your trip?

friend: btw  i feel like an ass for bring up the nursery and deserve a FU i can't tell you how sorry i am!! I have been a bit absorbed in my own world with everything and so sorry!!

me: it's ok. I leave saturday.

it really is ok... i am happy for her - but damn - still stings. the part that makes me want to cry is that she said she's sorry. at least she gets it. i really hope when we have our own kids that i can at least remember this moment when i am talking to someone who doesn't have kids.

The Q & A Chain Letter

The Q&A Chain Letter

i want to thank cgd for sending this to me. this is great since my blog here is new. i also have another blog that some of you have read. - i started this blog because  i am from a very small town were people talk. i wanted to say how i was really feeling - with no strings attached. i'm so thankful for the support!


1) What's the best dish you can cook?
any meat on the grill. they say it's a man's job. my husband preheats it for me. i do the rest. i love to marinate steaks & cold grilled chicken breast for breakfast is a treat for me - sounds gross - it's really good. 

2) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
sports in high school, hair salon ads & engagement announcement. oh and for that one time i robbed a few banks in town - i kid. i kid. i haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1996. 

3) What's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?
worst job was babysitting for a family who's house had so much filth in it - there were maggots. not kidding. i didn't know any better than but i should have called social services. it was so nasty. most memorable job i had was as a kid i would ride my bike into town (i lived in the country) and work at my mom's best friends daughter in laws hair salon (did you get that) i would wash towels, take out rollers, clean out the sinks, restock the shelves & talk make appointments. mind you - i was about 8. totally unpaid. totally awesome. i got to go with them to hair shows, do modeling shoots for the weekly paper that came out & go shopping in the summer on Monday's when the salon was closed. i got to be 100% girly girl. I ended up working there until i was well into high school - i exchanged my hours worked for tanning salon time - to this day - i still love the smell of a good perm. 

4) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
i'm not exactly sure - although if you look through the notebooks upon notebooks still in my childhood bedroom to this day - you'll see pages and pages of my name w/ the boy of the week, month or year. i was always practicing my "new" last name. i got married in 2003. the ripe old age of  24. we had been together since 1999. i never dated anyone unless i thought it was going to be long term - i always jumped right in - even at 15 years old. funny part is - when i did get married - i had a really hard time dropping my maiden name. it wasn't until 2 months ago on facebook that i dropped it. 

5) What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
dusting. i hate dusting. i love deep cleaning. cleaning the bathroom is satisfaction for me. i have to scrub on my hands and knees. i don't own a mop - i think they are gross. i love deep cleaning so much - i scrubbed our three stall garage floor yesterday. 

6) What's your earliest memory?
my mom was in labor. i was 3 1/2. i was screaming and holding on to her not to leave me. that was it - then the next day i remember going to see her in the hospital and everything being ok.

i would like to ask the same six questions - mostly because the hubby got home from work early and wants to watch "wall street 1" - in prep for "wall street 2" - which i have never seen the first one - and he says "pumps him up for work".

here's the  amazing people i'm sending this onto: 

http://ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com/

http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/

so annoying

i had my lh surge. on monday - or at least one test said i did. the donor sperm arrived again last week. after some time in our bedroom - i moved it to the dining room table for good keeping.

it's a crazy world i tell you. we wanted to do a few months of "trying" at home. first of all - our insurance covers zip zero zelch of infertility - now that dh has been diagnosted - they don't even cover SA's. it's shitty. but it is what it is. so we decided to try a few months at home and see what happens. 

here's why i'm annoyed. here is why i'm going to have to call my doctor if we have to do this again next month and just suck it up. 

1. the forms from the clinic say to let it thaw at 98.2 for 4-5 minutes - when i was looking at their site - one thing said to let it thaw for 10 minutes. um - seriously - that's twice the time. so i called. meagan informed me that they just changed things and that 4-5 minutes is the right time - but wanted to know where i found the 10 because they must have missed changing it. 

2. i then asked her how much should i expect in each vile because last month there wasn't very much (and way less after i dropped some in the bathtub) and she said - "oh you're doing this at home?" - me - "yes" - "oh you should be getting ICI not IUI" - me - "well our donor only has IUI and you guys never told us this. can we get ICI" m - "you'll have to choose a new donor." - are you fucking kidding me. 

3. i searched high and low for the perfect syringe and all the right gear (aka pre seed etc) only to have my husband have to go out of town for work.... between a late surge, only having a week to use up the swimmers - and having to do it all myself.... i'm not feeling super excited about this 2ww... 

then i have my bff in the whole world whom i love tell me - well - practice makes perfect - are you kidding me? you have three kids - we've been practicing perfect for way too long. 

in other news - the little girl we take care of from time to time has been staying with us for a few nights while her mom visits her boyfriend - more on that later - and she finally learned to tie her shoes tonight - she six! it's a good thing her five year old brother still wears a diaper. or that her mom is living off the state.... the most amazing people have kids don't they? 

happiness today, hope tomorrow

my friend over at adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com passed on this fabulous award to me. cgd has been an amazing support and cheerleader over these past few months. when i began reading her blog - i had to do it in small doses - because i spent a lot of time crying. she's been through hell and back and still manages to keep her game face on. 

so here's what she sent me:

infertility (and many other things in life) makes you focus on the future your desire is for a future event even if you manage to get knocked up or get a successful adoption placement it's still a future event and so we're constantly looking forward looking to the future and focussing on happiness we may achieve then but what about the now? what about what is making us happy in this moment in this very instance?

the rules are easy - you put that picture up on your blog and list one thing that you are happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. and you then pass this award along. 

this really comes at a great time for me too. our swimmers are being delivered tomorrow and while a lot of time can be spent thinking about the what if's in life - it's great to really focus on the now. 

i am beyond happy at this very moment to honestly feel comfortable with my body for the first time in more than a decade. at 17 my first love got another girl knocked up (go figure); my grandfather died of cancer (he was and still is - like a second dad); my days of  being the hot shot were over - i took up smoking - followed by drinking - followed by late night eating - followed by being lazy - you get the drift - eventually i gave up the smoking, slowed down on the drinking - and would swing in and out of the lazy - i'd lose some weight, gain it back, workout a bunch - quit working out - this constant stuggle of not feeling good enough or less than - in may of 2006 i ran my first half marathon. in december of 2008 my second. #3 june of 09; #4 may of 10' & #5 september of 10'. when i crossed the finish line in june of 09 - i did it for me. because i deserved to feel good. i started believing in me. for my abilities. for my strength. in may of 10' - i felt empowered. in september of 10' i felt accomplished. it didn't matter when i crossed the finish line at those moments that i didn't have a child. it mattered that i believed in myself enough. i went gluten free in march. in this journey - i've lost 30 pounds (since jan 10'). i feel alive again. i feel like the athlete i was my whole life growing up. i feel like myself again. i tell all my friends - "working out and sex for women are the same - you don't always want to do it - but after you're done - you're so happy you did."

the one thing that i'm hoping for in the furture is what all of us are hoping for - a family. to be a loving, kind, caring, honest mom & wife - who makes time for herself - who finds balance - who follows old traditions and creates new ones. who will remind myself when things get hard with my children - just how i felt at this very moment - that the very sight of them would bring enough happiness to heal everyone's broken heart.  

thank you - cgd - from the bottom of my heart for the extra kick start on getting this blog out there! 

here's the peeps i'm sending it onto: 

1. ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com - the very thought of finding people online that i could relate to - never crossed my mind - until a rare chance i was watching the today show. so thankful! 

2. meganswishingwell.blogspot.com - well because everyone loves a gluten free girl. 

3. iamreadyandwaiting.blogspot.com - she's had a really shitty day. enough already! 

thankful

i'm so thankful for the Internet. i really am. i went to a small small high school - the junior high was on one side of the hallway and the high school was on the other - i'm not kidding. it must have been pretty appealing to a lot of people because it's bigger now - but regardless - i knew people 10 years older than me and five years younger than me. one of the girls that was 5 years older than me - i might have secretly stalked when i was little. i wanted to be just like her. she's a really beautiful girl and has an even better heart. i worked with her for a short time later in life and low and behold - i found her on facebook years later - and after doing my exam of 'kids or no kids' and small talk chat back and forth - i sent her a message asking her the DL on the kiddo status - explaining our situation first - of course - it turned into many discussions and cheering each other on. she had her iui 2 weeks back and i got this email from her -

bummer day....not pregnant 


she too has been at this just about exactly the same amount of time as we have. in fact - seems that of all the blogs i read - we're almost all on the same timeline... i honestly have to believe that the end is so near for all of us. i say it's high time the universe delivers some killer eggs and super mighty swimmers! 


i'm beyond thankful i am not alone in this journey - and i am so grateful that i am able to have true compassion, empathy and understanding for a friend when they are in need. 

it's all around me

so many days - i'm so strong. i put myself in these situations. to torment myself? possibly. to prove to myself that i'm stronger than i thought i was? possibly. i know all of the IF people have felt this way - you can't escape it. it never leaves you. 

i watch a kid. he's one. in my house. monday - thursday from 7:15a-5:30p. he's amazing. i love him so much. but it's hard because he's not mine - but he fills my absolute desires just a little bit. it all started that i would watch him because we needed the extra steady income and i thought i could take him w/ me to my ivf appointments - ivf got put on the back burner & donor on the front - because of a pure financial stand point. 

i have a mom's group that i hang out with. i'm normally ok with this - because it's either that we are all together with no kids - having dinner & drinks - or we're together for an afternoon & i have the kid with me. last week i got an email - that said in the subject line - i miss my mommy friends and kiddos - i wish people were more sensitive. this week i got a recipe book that i declined to be involved in that said "Mom's Group" on the front.  Really? and then i find out one of them is expecting again.

i took the kid for his 1 year picture with his mom and the photographer said she liked his shirt. i had made it for him. she asked if i would make some and sell them in her shop. i said sure - exciting for me to get some of my work out there - however i now have 8 onesies hanging in my laundry room with a 1 on them. i'm still waiting for the photographer to email me back so i can drop them off.

this bothers me

This kit provides all of the tools necessary for at-home insemination with either a surrogate mother (for gay couples) or donor sperm (for lesbian couples).


not all donor sperm are lesbians - some of us just happened to marry a man with a string of bad luck. i have no problem at all same sex couples, marriage or raising families in same sex marriage. the only thing i care about is how you treat the child. 


i would, however, like more books on donor sperm & the hubby. understanding his process a little bit more. wishing that i could be in his head - just for a good 15 minutes. i know we all wish that of our partner. 


TTC at home should take place again in less than a week. I'm much less excited about this round and will dread the 2ww - i'm going to try preseed this month - anyone else a fan? 

lump in my throat

i don't expect people to wait for us to have a child. i really don't. it doesn't make it any easier when we find out that another friend has taken the plunge into mommyhood and they had to "wait" all of two months to get pregnant. if it's a friend that i don't really have to see or hear from - i'm usually pretty good. if it's a friend who is a part of my life that i'll see often - it's really hard for me. i think mostly because i know no matter how bad it hurts - i can't help but love kids. 

stopping at a friends house today and having her show me a picture of her kid with a big sister shirt on... made my visit really short followed by a tearful car ride home. 

i can't wait for all of this to come to an end. 

from the beginning

i met a boy. october 1998. i knew instantly that he would be my forever. he was smart. he was kind. he had eyes that sparkled a different kind of blue when he was near water. his smile could brighten anyones day. in august of 2002 he asked me to be his wife. in august of 2003 we said i do. in september of 2003 i went off the pill. we used latex protection. in may of 2006 we started trying to have a baby. in july of 2007 i started all the girl testing. by march of 2008 we knew something wasn't right. doctors confirmed. sa - "severely abnormal". oh - and from 2005-2009 - we moved. me = three states;  husband = four. it's been a hell of a ride.

we've made some pretty big decisions in the past three months. we've decided that we are getting a sperm donor. we've picked him out. we've had sperm shipped to the house. we've gotten BFN.

we've been through enough IF. enough for us. we no longer want this to define us - as a couple. the tip toeing around with questions, others telling us they are expecting & i'd really love for my husband to get on some testosterone cream so i could get laid once in a while.

at the end of the day i married the best man in the world for me. getting a donor was his idea. he's a stud like that.