false alarm

i've 'disattached' myself so much from finding the new donor that the donor i thought we picked that retired is in fact not the donor. my plug-in wasn't working yesterday on my mac so i couldn't look at the picture of him - and i honestly believed it was that one.... today i log on to start looking again - look at the picture - and what do you know - our donor - has in fact - not retired.... hoy vey. i've got to get my shit together.

#2 - Retired

yep. another one bites the dust. it's a good thing i didn't have my heart set. back to the drawing board. we hope to start IUI in my next cycle.

i'm just plain annoyed.

i've decided

once again another one of my friends is expecting. last night, i was upset. i've always been someone who has prayed however i don't know how much intention i've brought to my prayers. things changed when my brother excepted treatment. it was a prayer that i wanted answered for a very long time & it finally was. it reminded me that things don't always happen exactly when we want them to.

i'm sick of being upset when i hear about friends having babies. i'm sick of it hurting & i'm sick of it getting to me. to be totally honest - it's a waste of my time and energy.

last night, i prayed not to be bitter. within five minutes i felt peace. i'm not kidding. this was my thought. i have choosen my friends. i choose to have people in my life that mean something to me. people who make me want to be better. people who have good morals, work hard, give back to their community & help strangers in need. my newest prego friend - is nothing shy of this. she's a really great person - and i should be bitter because she's going to be a mom again? a really great mom. a stable mom who will do anything for her family & who really seems to have an amazing relationship with her husband. who goes on dates with him, chooses not to do "mom night out things" when she knows her children need her and who chooses to have those nights with girlfriends when she knows she needs it more. who has choosen to put her cell phone away for the day to focus only on her kids.

i'm still going to be bitter over the 16 year olds, the parents that scream at their kids & a lot more terrible parents.