on friday we are going to see my PA. she's an amazing PA. she will sit and listen to me tell her a story for an hour. i told A i just want to go in there & look at this from "i'm not feeling well" and not "we can't get pregnant". i feel like i'm always picking up the peices in our marriage. sometimes it's exhausting. i hope that we find something out with autoimmune. could it be his thyroid? it sure feels like everything that you look up - you can find one thing that he has. but this... it's every single one of them.
fatigue, exhaustion (he's was falling asleep at work before going gluten free)
feeling run down and sluggish (he always talks about being tired)
depression (he said he's had a lot of aniexty)
difficulty concentrating, brain fog (don't we all have this?)
dry, coarse and/or itchy skin (he has dandruff - it's been really bad)
dry, coarse and/or thinning hair (not kidding, he has been using rogaine & we blammed it on going of clomid)
feeling cold, especially in the extremities (he's breaking out in hives in really cold weather on his hands - ever since he got stung by the bee)
constipation (sorry ladies, but he's always complaining about this)
muscle cramps (he gets charlie horses like no other)
infertility (they say this happens if nothing has been done in a long time)
maybe it's another dead end. it's very possible - but if that's the case - we're just one step closer to getting to the root of all of this. i really want A to feel better.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
this is the song that will not end
i have another blog. i wrote about my infertility struggles a bit on that blog and met some of you there - but i felt like i couldn't always be honest about what was going on. so that's why i'm here. i'm 100% open to meeting people - feel like i'm willing to talk to any stranger on the street about what is going on w/ us - but on this blog - everyone says the right thing to me - because you all have been through this - so far - no one has said anything that makes me want to reach through my mac and slap you in the face :)
so - here's what's been going with our life the last two weeks.
A got his test results from the doctor for his testosterone levels while I was on vacation with my mom. he told me that the nurse said that they were "within normal limits" - he told me this when i got home. i was beyond excited. i told him he should do a SA right away so that when we would go back to see the doctor we would know for sure what is going on & figure out if there were any other changes.
he's been unmedicated now (previously on clomid & before that on armidex) since February.
also while i was on vacation - he finally went to go and see the allergist. in august he got stung by a bee and went into anaphylactic shock. he did get an epi pen but the er doctor said that he needed to go & get tested. (i'm a little annoyed he scheduled this w/ out me - because he never asks questions) so they did bee testing - he's allergic to all stinging insects - like - kill him allergic. including the german cockroach - who knew there was one of those? we also found out he's allergic to latex.
monday he went back to get tested for environment & food. he's pretty much allergic to all of wisconsin & shellfish too.
this leads me to believe his infertility is caused by an autoimmune disease. anyone with information? i'm all ears.
yesterday we went back to the doctor. his testosterone is at 261. this doctor says normal is 200-800 or old doctor said that it's 400-1000.
bottom line - i'm fine using a donor - i just want A to feel better - i feel like it's the blind leading the blind & we're just chasing.
so - here's what's been going with our life the last two weeks.
A got his test results from the doctor for his testosterone levels while I was on vacation with my mom. he told me that the nurse said that they were "within normal limits" - he told me this when i got home. i was beyond excited. i told him he should do a SA right away so that when we would go back to see the doctor we would know for sure what is going on & figure out if there were any other changes.
he's been unmedicated now (previously on clomid & before that on armidex) since February.
also while i was on vacation - he finally went to go and see the allergist. in august he got stung by a bee and went into anaphylactic shock. he did get an epi pen but the er doctor said that he needed to go & get tested. (i'm a little annoyed he scheduled this w/ out me - because he never asks questions) so they did bee testing - he's allergic to all stinging insects - like - kill him allergic. including the german cockroach - who knew there was one of those? we also found out he's allergic to latex.
monday he went back to get tested for environment & food. he's pretty much allergic to all of wisconsin & shellfish too.
this leads me to believe his infertility is caused by an autoimmune disease. anyone with information? i'm all ears.
yesterday we went back to the doctor. his testosterone is at 261. this doctor says normal is 200-800 or old doctor said that it's 400-1000.
bottom line - i'm fine using a donor - i just want A to feel better - i feel like it's the blind leading the blind & we're just chasing.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
i knew it.
two months ago a & i were presented with a pretty unbelievable opportunity. i got a text message from a friend who's neighbors niece was due to give birth and wanted to give her baby up for adoption. while a & i have talked about this before - we didn't think that it was something that we were ready for quite yet however i also truly believe that beggar's can't be choosers. so i decided that we would meet with her.
she sent out a few emails to me to schedule a time to meet and i was less than impressed with her grammar skills, her language & her follow through. i knew, it was not a good fit. she also wanted an open adoption. i felt like her family was really pushing for it.
i finally decided to email her back with the name of the adoption agency that a friend of ours is using. she replied back that she was working with the agency & we wished each other the best.
my friend sent me a text last night. she had the baby girl. the adoptive parents were in the delivery room with her.
she kept the baby.
that poor family.
goes to show again - follow your gut. 100% of the time.
she sent out a few emails to me to schedule a time to meet and i was less than impressed with her grammar skills, her language & her follow through. i knew, it was not a good fit. she also wanted an open adoption. i felt like her family was really pushing for it.
i finally decided to email her back with the name of the adoption agency that a friend of ours is using. she replied back that she was working with the agency & we wished each other the best.
my friend sent me a text last night. she had the baby girl. the adoptive parents were in the delivery room with her.
she kept the baby.
that poor family.
goes to show again - follow your gut. 100% of the time.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
ouch
one of my best friends... i girl i've spoken of before who has been honest, kind, caring & encourging in my life has really disappointed me.
our husbands went to graduate school together. we spent nearly every waking moment hanging out, running, eating dinner together & drinking beers.
while in graduate school - they got pregnant (2006). had a baby (2007). got pregnant again. miscarried (2008). got pregnant again (2009). had a baby (2009). got pregnant. miscarried. (2010). got pregnant again. (2010).
after a & i moved last year - we now live less than 40 minutes from them. we do things often and talk nearly every week.
the last - got pregnant again - i found out about from a facebook update. are you fucking kidding me? i'm pissed. mostly at myself. have i really made myself so unavailable?
then i get some lame ass text from her saying not to check facebook - she jumped the gun too fast - she has news for me - she knew i saw.
i texted her back and said - "i saw - congrats - just might be hard to talk about. you guys are great parents."
i'm annoyed because she knew about us TTC w/ our donor sperm & she was calling and asking about it - grrrr!
we're suppose to have dinner for her birthday with her, another pregnant girl, a women who has two kids & their spouses on friday night.
lame.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
i'm back
i'm home from a week in paradise. i mean what did i have to complain about when i was looking at this?
i was so out of the loop on this trip. my dad called randomly this summer when my mom, brother, his wife & their four kids were visiting and said that our friend got an amazing deal - and he wanted to send my mom & i. my dad doesn't travel. it's a long story - i wish he would - but he doesn't. so we jumped on it. my mom had said a few people that were going. i thought 6 of us in total turns out - 16 of us went. it was a blast. i didn't know most of the people but by the end of the trip - we all walked away with friendships.
one of the girls that i went with is my parents neighbor - she lives in the country with her three kids. she use to live there with her husband too. until he died of cancer. with three little kids & a young 31 year old wife at home. it's sad. beyond sad. i only knew her once her husband was "already dying." i didn't know them as a young, healthy, vibrant couple. i knew them as a women who was traveling from rural wisconsin to new york city and paying $21,000.00 a month for medication that was hurting her husband so much he couldn't even have sex with her.
through spending the week talking - we discovered that infertility and death are a lot the same. people don't know what to say - so they end up saying the wrong thing. they end up saying things that make you want to reach across the table and pull out their eye lashes. one by one. we discovered that everyone's reality is different. we cried. we laughed. and she very well became one of my hero's. i can't imagine the hell she's been through. a few years before her husband died - her mom died & her sister had a stroke. seriously?
tomorrow i'll try to post on the doctor follow up. i can't tell you guys thank you enough for listening.
Friday, October 8, 2010
urologist #4
ok ladies (and gentlemen) - prepare. if you aren't feeling 100% come back and read this when you are. with that being said - here goes :)
today we went to see a new urologist for my husband. he saw someone else when we first moved here but the guy had almost NO knowledge of male infertility and it wasn't a good fit. so once we decided that we were no longer going to do ivf - he said that A should no longer continue to take clomid, arimidex or any other medications because of the long term effect on his liver & kidney's (he was on them for three years) so with that - we also decided it was time for a new doctor.
one of my friends husband's is a radiologist - so i emailed her and asked if she could ask him for a recommendation. i think a lot of her husband and of her - so we went with it.
the doctor was late. not surprised.
here is how our conversation started.
doctor: so why are you here?
us: we've decided that we are going with a sperm donor and so we would like to get A on some testosterone replacement.
doctor: so wait - have you guys tried to have unprotected timed sex for more than a year?
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE MR! first - did you not look at the medical history before you came in to the room - did you not look at this huge binder with all of our information that i'm carrying...
well - my look must have said it all....
he simply looked and me and said "oh, you're way past that."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
he continued to interrupt us as we were talking, really questioned why were were there & wanted to know what we wanted done.
his voice was loud, obnoxious & egotistical. he was showing way too much chest hair. his bedside manners were lacking to say the least.
and then... yep... he did it.
he made A "drop your trousers" - no big deal - we've done this before.
but then....
made him bend over at the table.
WITH ME IN THE ROOM
A has been stuck in janitor supply closets jacking off for another SA (true story) - he has carried one too many "cups" to the front desk & endured so much in all of this - but bending over at the table - was one thing they never did - and one thing he was not expecting today.
With the whimper & tear in my A's eye - I have to say - I lost it - Seriously lost it - I acted like a three year old. I couldn't stop laughing - I couldn't believe this was happening. I was in shock. Why didn't he ask if I wanted to leave the room. SERIOUSLY?
I guess the doctor really needed to get it out of his system.
This is what happened next...
Doctor: so what do you want? why are you here?
(ps - i don't fuck around; i don't beat around the bush & i certainly don't take bs from other people)
me: listen (stern and in the eyes) - we want a baby. if i can have a baby with my husband's dna - that's what i want. right now we can't - so we are using a donor. if you'd take the time to look at these SA you'd see that since 2007 & with all kinds of medication my husband still has 0 motility. his volume is .5 at best - his testosterone is terrible - his morphology is 0 & you're the doctor. do you know something we don't know? we'd like some answers. why is this happening?
in that instant - his voice changed. his tone lowered. he started to make eye contact.
damn straight boy - you just stuck your hand where the sun don't shine - and - he didn't like it.... you better listen up.
so - this week A will have some more blood test done. if his testosterone levels are still really low then we'll start with some replacement therapy (the reason we didn't do this before is because it kills the few he has - and if we were going to do ivf - we couldn't do that). if it's normal - some more testicular testing - we just want an answer - and i just want to get laid unexpectedly again - just like all the other if's out there.
today we went to see a new urologist for my husband. he saw someone else when we first moved here but the guy had almost NO knowledge of male infertility and it wasn't a good fit. so once we decided that we were no longer going to do ivf - he said that A should no longer continue to take clomid, arimidex or any other medications because of the long term effect on his liver & kidney's (he was on them for three years) so with that - we also decided it was time for a new doctor.
one of my friends husband's is a radiologist - so i emailed her and asked if she could ask him for a recommendation. i think a lot of her husband and of her - so we went with it.
the doctor was late. not surprised.
here is how our conversation started.
doctor: so why are you here?
us: we've decided that we are going with a sperm donor and so we would like to get A on some testosterone replacement.
doctor: so wait - have you guys tried to have unprotected timed sex for more than a year?
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE MR! first - did you not look at the medical history before you came in to the room - did you not look at this huge binder with all of our information that i'm carrying...
well - my look must have said it all....
he simply looked and me and said "oh, you're way past that."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
he continued to interrupt us as we were talking, really questioned why were were there & wanted to know what we wanted done.
his voice was loud, obnoxious & egotistical. he was showing way too much chest hair. his bedside manners were lacking to say the least.
and then... yep... he did it.
he made A "drop your trousers" - no big deal - we've done this before.
but then....
made him bend over at the table.
WITH ME IN THE ROOM
A has been stuck in janitor supply closets jacking off for another SA (true story) - he has carried one too many "cups" to the front desk & endured so much in all of this - but bending over at the table - was one thing they never did - and one thing he was not expecting today.
With the whimper & tear in my A's eye - I have to say - I lost it - Seriously lost it - I acted like a three year old. I couldn't stop laughing - I couldn't believe this was happening. I was in shock. Why didn't he ask if I wanted to leave the room. SERIOUSLY?
I guess the doctor really needed to get it out of his system.
This is what happened next...
Doctor: so what do you want? why are you here?
(ps - i don't fuck around; i don't beat around the bush & i certainly don't take bs from other people)
me: listen (stern and in the eyes) - we want a baby. if i can have a baby with my husband's dna - that's what i want. right now we can't - so we are using a donor. if you'd take the time to look at these SA you'd see that since 2007 & with all kinds of medication my husband still has 0 motility. his volume is .5 at best - his testosterone is terrible - his morphology is 0 & you're the doctor. do you know something we don't know? we'd like some answers. why is this happening?
in that instant - his voice changed. his tone lowered. he started to make eye contact.
damn straight boy - you just stuck your hand where the sun don't shine - and - he didn't like it.... you better listen up.
so - this week A will have some more blood test done. if his testosterone levels are still really low then we'll start with some replacement therapy (the reason we didn't do this before is because it kills the few he has - and if we were going to do ivf - we couldn't do that). if it's normal - some more testicular testing - we just want an answer - and i just want to get laid unexpectedly again - just like all the other if's out there.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
things to remember
i leave on saturday for a week long trip to mexico with my mom. really comes at the perfect time. another bfn this week. at least my period should be over with by the time we leave for vacation. while i would much rather be spending the week reading about how a baby was growing in my belly than thinking about the next iui - life moves on. while i didn't expect to get prego overnight - i'm really sick of waiting.
i have a friend who is adopting. while i'm happy for them - this is today's text messages:
friend: any news yet? i need advice in nursery decorating on a budget got any good resources? i am so absolutely overwhelmed you wouldn't believe the drama happening w/ birth mom & dad! And baby may be coming way earlier than expected!
me: got my period today.
me: i don't know of anyone (mind you guys - i do a lot of interior design/photography/art). i'd offer but nursery's are hell for me. :(
friend: oh i am sure!! i guess i was inquiring about cheap craft supplies. i am so sorry about the period. :( I was praying so hard this would be ur month. it's not flipping fair!
friend: When do you leave for your trip?
friend: btw i feel like an ass for bring up the nursery and deserve a FU i can't tell you how sorry i am!! I have been a bit absorbed in my own world with everything and so sorry!!
me: it's ok. I leave saturday.
it really is ok... i am happy for her - but damn - still stings. the part that makes me want to cry is that she said she's sorry. at least she gets it. i really hope when we have our own kids that i can at least remember this moment when i am talking to someone who doesn't have kids.
i have a friend who is adopting. while i'm happy for them - this is today's text messages:
friend: any news yet? i need advice in nursery decorating on a budget got any good resources? i am so absolutely overwhelmed you wouldn't believe the drama happening w/ birth mom & dad! And baby may be coming way earlier than expected!
me: got my period today.
me: i don't know of anyone (mind you guys - i do a lot of interior design/photography/art). i'd offer but nursery's are hell for me. :(
friend: oh i am sure!! i guess i was inquiring about cheap craft supplies. i am so sorry about the period. :( I was praying so hard this would be ur month. it's not flipping fair!
friend: When do you leave for your trip?
friend: btw i feel like an ass for bring up the nursery and deserve a FU i can't tell you how sorry i am!! I have been a bit absorbed in my own world with everything and so sorry!!
me: it's ok. I leave saturday.
it really is ok... i am happy for her - but damn - still stings. the part that makes me want to cry is that she said she's sorry. at least she gets it. i really hope when we have our own kids that i can at least remember this moment when i am talking to someone who doesn't have kids.
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