happiness today, hope tomorrow

my friend over at adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com passed on this fabulous award to me. cgd has been an amazing support and cheerleader over these past few months. when i began reading her blog - i had to do it in small doses - because i spent a lot of time crying. she's been through hell and back and still manages to keep her game face on. 

so here's what she sent me:

infertility (and many other things in life) makes you focus on the future your desire is for a future event even if you manage to get knocked up or get a successful adoption placement it's still a future event and so we're constantly looking forward looking to the future and focussing on happiness we may achieve then but what about the now? what about what is making us happy in this moment in this very instance?

the rules are easy - you put that picture up on your blog and list one thing that you are happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. and you then pass this award along. 

this really comes at a great time for me too. our swimmers are being delivered tomorrow and while a lot of time can be spent thinking about the what if's in life - it's great to really focus on the now. 

i am beyond happy at this very moment to honestly feel comfortable with my body for the first time in more than a decade. at 17 my first love got another girl knocked up (go figure); my grandfather died of cancer (he was and still is - like a second dad); my days of  being the hot shot were over - i took up smoking - followed by drinking - followed by late night eating - followed by being lazy - you get the drift - eventually i gave up the smoking, slowed down on the drinking - and would swing in and out of the lazy - i'd lose some weight, gain it back, workout a bunch - quit working out - this constant stuggle of not feeling good enough or less than - in may of 2006 i ran my first half marathon. in december of 2008 my second. #3 june of 09; #4 may of 10' & #5 september of 10'. when i crossed the finish line in june of 09 - i did it for me. because i deserved to feel good. i started believing in me. for my abilities. for my strength. in may of 10' - i felt empowered. in september of 10' i felt accomplished. it didn't matter when i crossed the finish line at those moments that i didn't have a child. it mattered that i believed in myself enough. i went gluten free in march. in this journey - i've lost 30 pounds (since jan 10'). i feel alive again. i feel like the athlete i was my whole life growing up. i feel like myself again. i tell all my friends - "working out and sex for women are the same - you don't always want to do it - but after you're done - you're so happy you did."

the one thing that i'm hoping for in the furture is what all of us are hoping for - a family. to be a loving, kind, caring, honest mom & wife - who makes time for herself - who finds balance - who follows old traditions and creates new ones. who will remind myself when things get hard with my children - just how i felt at this very moment - that the very sight of them would bring enough happiness to heal everyone's broken heart.  

thank you - cgd - from the bottom of my heart for the extra kick start on getting this blog out there! 

here's the peeps i'm sending it onto: 

1. ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com - the very thought of finding people online that i could relate to - never crossed my mind - until a rare chance i was watching the today show. so thankful! 

2. meganswishingwell.blogspot.com - well because everyone loves a gluten free girl. 

3. iamreadyandwaiting.blogspot.com - she's had a really shitty day. enough already!