it's all around me

so many days - i'm so strong. i put myself in these situations. to torment myself? possibly. to prove to myself that i'm stronger than i thought i was? possibly. i know all of the IF people have felt this way - you can't escape it. it never leaves you. 

i watch a kid. he's one. in my house. monday - thursday from 7:15a-5:30p. he's amazing. i love him so much. but it's hard because he's not mine - but he fills my absolute desires just a little bit. it all started that i would watch him because we needed the extra steady income and i thought i could take him w/ me to my ivf appointments - ivf got put on the back burner & donor on the front - because of a pure financial stand point. 

i have a mom's group that i hang out with. i'm normally ok with this - because it's either that we are all together with no kids - having dinner & drinks - or we're together for an afternoon & i have the kid with me. last week i got an email - that said in the subject line - i miss my mommy friends and kiddos - i wish people were more sensitive. this week i got a recipe book that i declined to be involved in that said "Mom's Group" on the front.  Really? and then i find out one of them is expecting again.

i took the kid for his 1 year picture with his mom and the photographer said she liked his shirt. i had made it for him. she asked if i would make some and sell them in her shop. i said sure - exciting for me to get some of my work out there - however i now have 8 onesies hanging in my laundry room with a 1 on them. i'm still waiting for the photographer to email me back so i can drop them off.