we found two possible donors tonight that we like. . one - pretty darn good. then another - when we listened to the 2nd one - A was grinning from ear to ear. I'm not kidding. he's never done this with a donor yet. His personality is so much like A's - it's a little crazy. His Paternal Uncle had child that they list as "mental retardation". We've got something to think about.
so besides IF - it will happen when it happens crap you get from people who have kids - they also will tell you - that this doesn't matter. that you never know what you're going to get with your husband. i get that BUT here is the deal - it's the cream of the crop... why not increase your odds?
we have to read more medical history - i'm anxious to find out more.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
you're not going to believe it (and no i'm not knocked up)
last monday, before we left for our trip, i asked A to email me the travel arrangements. he was flying out of Green Bay and I was flying out of MKE. We did this because work was paying for his way over priced ticked and we were paying for my ticket which was more than half the price of his. He was also traveling with a co-worker & I was traveling with his wife. So - I got the email & i looked - I had a layover in Denver (at the time of the booking, I knew I had a layover but didn't think of it again, because, really, it's a layover) but Denver - my brother is in Fort Collins, just an hour away.... I knew I had to go and see him. After talking with his therapist & trying to figure out all the details - it would have cost about 400.00 with the rental car & flight changes - and I would have gotten to see him for about oh 30 minutes. I'm going to see him at the end of April, so I just didn't think it was worth it.
tuesday. rain. snow. sleet. flight delayed, one hour. we knew in MKE that we would be missing our connecting flight to Denver so they looked at the next flight going out for me at 7:30pm. booked. 9:30 - I got the last seat on the plan. My friend had to fly to Charlotte & then Vegas - both getting into Vegas around the same time. I called my brothers therapist again - he said - come - he thought it would be great - my brother was in a session however he called me in a bit of a panic right before my flight left MKE & said, "three people said to call you, what's up?" I said, "do you wanna have dinner w/ your sister tonight?" he said, "what the fuck, what?" i explained. he was beyond excited. i didn't find out until later, but that morning, he called both my dad and his girlfriend and said that he knew he was in the right place but that he just really wanted to see a face from home. God is awesome. I've never in my life been more thrilled to have a delayed flight.
i drove like hell on wheels, picked up some McDonald's, & headed to see him. It was one of the best days of my life. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we kissed & held hands. His emotions were raw, i saw for the first time in more than 12 years, the little boy that i've loved all my life. The brother that I know. He's beautiful & he's so grateful to be where he is. It was amazing.
I had one hour with him.
I drove like hell on wheels back to Denver, had my flight not been delayed 15 minutes, I would have missed it. I've never run so fast in all my life (and i'm a runner).
I know there is a long road ahead of all of us.
I put some money in his student account & told the gang that putting the money on him was a way better decision than gambling it in Vegas. I proved that statement. After losing 100.00 on nickel slots, nickel slots people, i decided my money would be way better spent on new clothes.
My brother called me while in Vegas and said, "I still can't believe you came here to see me and went through all that trouble." I said (while crying), "I'd go to the moon and back for my clean brother." I think he's beginning to understand how I feel about him.
Vegas was great. Awesome food. Pool time. Amazing time with the hubby when he wasn't working & just what I needed.
In baby news, rock and roll guys. We subscribed to get full acess to all donors, next step, call the clinic when my period starts and come in on day 12 for an ultrasound. fingers crossed that the bumps in the road are few and far between.
tuesday. rain. snow. sleet. flight delayed, one hour. we knew in MKE that we would be missing our connecting flight to Denver so they looked at the next flight going out for me at 7:30pm. booked. 9:30 - I got the last seat on the plan. My friend had to fly to Charlotte & then Vegas - both getting into Vegas around the same time. I called my brothers therapist again - he said - come - he thought it would be great - my brother was in a session however he called me in a bit of a panic right before my flight left MKE & said, "three people said to call you, what's up?" I said, "do you wanna have dinner w/ your sister tonight?" he said, "what the fuck, what?" i explained. he was beyond excited. i didn't find out until later, but that morning, he called both my dad and his girlfriend and said that he knew he was in the right place but that he just really wanted to see a face from home. God is awesome. I've never in my life been more thrilled to have a delayed flight.
i drove like hell on wheels, picked up some McDonald's, & headed to see him. It was one of the best days of my life. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we kissed & held hands. His emotions were raw, i saw for the first time in more than 12 years, the little boy that i've loved all my life. The brother that I know. He's beautiful & he's so grateful to be where he is. It was amazing.
I had one hour with him.
I drove like hell on wheels back to Denver, had my flight not been delayed 15 minutes, I would have missed it. I've never run so fast in all my life (and i'm a runner).
I know there is a long road ahead of all of us.
I put some money in his student account & told the gang that putting the money on him was a way better decision than gambling it in Vegas. I proved that statement. After losing 100.00 on nickel slots, nickel slots people, i decided my money would be way better spent on new clothes.
My brother called me while in Vegas and said, "I still can't believe you came here to see me and went through all that trouble." I said (while crying), "I'd go to the moon and back for my clean brother." I think he's beginning to understand how I feel about him.
Vegas was great. Awesome food. Pool time. Amazing time with the hubby when he wasn't working & just what I needed.
In baby news, rock and roll guys. We subscribed to get full acess to all donors, next step, call the clinic when my period starts and come in on day 12 for an ultrasound. fingers crossed that the bumps in the road are few and far between.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Confirmation
We got confirmation from the sperm clinic yesterday that they received the paperwork from our clinic to have our sperm shipped directly there.... Our clinic just wants to do some very basic blood work on me & if all that comes back ok (dear God, I've been good so far, let it continue that way) we'll get started on unmediated IUI - extremely basic stuff here considering what other people have gone through.... there really is great relief in knowing I don't have to be the one to do the insemination myself, wonder about timing... etc...
Headed to Vegas in just a little bit - being hopefully that my life happens just as the saying goes - Vegas, baby....
Headed to Vegas in just a little bit - being hopefully that my life happens just as the saying goes - Vegas, baby....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
ready. set. vegas
today marks day 32 or my life. i'm not saying 32 is old - i just really thought i would be done having kids by now. i thought a lot of things.
finally. our IF clinic in town has all of the paperwork that they feel they need to use in order to move forward. Our coordinator really wanted us to think long and hard that using a donor is what we wanted to do. I assured here that 7 years, almost 8 of marriage, off birth control from our wedding night, kind of trying, trying, wtf trying & this sucks trying have assured us that the donor route is the right one for us. The clinic seemed to have been partial to a sperm bank in IL. I just wasn't comfortable with it. It screamed sketchville to me. I wanted to make sure we could use our clinic (California Cyrobank) - the coordinator said, "oh yes, this won't be a problem, the bank in IL is under investigation." my gut is always right. We leave for Vegas on Tuesday - A has work out there and I'm just going along for the ride - after that - game on.
in little bro news - he called yesterday to wish me a day early happy birthday in case he didn't have time to call today - and then - called again today. i haven't talked to him on my birthday - nor have i been wished a happy birthday - in a long time. he won two awards in his program yesterday. i'm thrilled. i love him so much & i just pray that he continues to keep working this hard.
i feel like everything in my life is falling into place.
finally. our IF clinic in town has all of the paperwork that they feel they need to use in order to move forward. Our coordinator really wanted us to think long and hard that using a donor is what we wanted to do. I assured here that 7 years, almost 8 of marriage, off birth control from our wedding night, kind of trying, trying, wtf trying & this sucks trying have assured us that the donor route is the right one for us. The clinic seemed to have been partial to a sperm bank in IL. I just wasn't comfortable with it. It screamed sketchville to me. I wanted to make sure we could use our clinic (California Cyrobank) - the coordinator said, "oh yes, this won't be a problem, the bank in IL is under investigation." my gut is always right. We leave for Vegas on Tuesday - A has work out there and I'm just going along for the ride - after that - game on.
in little bro news - he called yesterday to wish me a day early happy birthday in case he didn't have time to call today - and then - called again today. i haven't talked to him on my birthday - nor have i been wished a happy birthday - in a long time. he won two awards in his program yesterday. i'm thrilled. i love him so much & i just pray that he continues to keep working this hard.
i feel like everything in my life is falling into place.
Monday, March 14, 2011
29:46
today my cell phone rang. I didn't know the number. I answered. The little boy that I've loved since the moment I first held him was on the other end of the phone. The now man, beginning his journey. My brother. 29 minutes and 46 seconds we talked. It was a little slice of heaven and heck we're being honest - a little slice of hell too. I was of course anxious, reminded of the last 12+ years of our relationship. Me being on edge. Feeling like any words wouldn't be the right ones. I had written him a letter, he thanked me for it. He said he's doing ok. Some withdrawal still showing it's way through with leg pain & irrational movement. He said his migraines & lower back pain is completely gone & he understands he's in the right place. Calling me must have taken balls for him. seriously. I love that kid so much. I just kept reassuring him that he's in the best place (he agrees) and that big hurdles will be coming his way (step 2 is communication) and that when he needs to cry - to cry - and that I support him in his life as long as it's a clean life. he said he knows that. i won't give you all the details but our conversation ended like this - my brother, "i love you j" me, "i love you j". I continue to pray. For him, for our family, healing, & strength.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
oh i forgot
add this to the i thought i was crazy but i'm not alone list.
i took a pregnancy test last week. sure did. about a week after my period ended. my period was weird this month, wasn't sure what was going on & i thought - oh maybe i'm pregnant.
of course, i'm not.
it's a good thing i got it at the dollar store and got my sanity back which i'm sure is temporary.
i took a pregnancy test last week. sure did. about a week after my period ended. my period was weird this month, wasn't sure what was going on & i thought - oh maybe i'm pregnant.
of course, i'm not.
it's a good thing i got it at the dollar store and got my sanity back which i'm sure is temporary.
Monday, March 7, 2011
in case you were wondering
things are still going remarkably well for my brother. tomorrow should be his last day in this phase and from there he'll move onto the next step of his treatment which i would expect to more than hellish for him. the part where he has to dig deep. figure out why he started doing drugs in the first place. address feelings. it's never been his favorite thing to do. funny part is, as a child, i was the one that could always find the words for him - i understood him better than his own parents do. i'm really looking forward to the day when i can have a real relationship with him again.
i have to say. this feels beyond amazing to be out about this. it's been this dark, looming, self sabotaging darkness for a long time. to know that i'm not alone. to read your comments.
that's this amazing infertility community. we know darkness. we also know light & we respect all the stages in between - even if we have to keep doing them over and over and over again to get the end result. really amazing group of ladies.
i don't want this blog to become a place where i talk about my brother all the time. truth be told, it's a little consuming right now & that's why you're hearing about it. I also feel like I want to keep telling you guys so that this amazing juju you've been sending to our family, keeps coming.
but
selfishly, i still want this to be about me. the little life we're trying hard to create. we literally waiting on paperwork to be sent to the new office. what drives me nuts is that i don't understand why they want pictures of A's nuts from 4 years ago before they will proceed with IUI if we are using donor sperm. who cares? it's just dumb. it's so annoying. why should that stop things for yet another month? why is something always making us wait again and again. grrr.... I'm off all week from work so i'm going to call tomorrow and tell or i mean ask them if we can just get a move on it already :)
from the bottom of my heart. thank you. makes me so grateful.
i have to say. this feels beyond amazing to be out about this. it's been this dark, looming, self sabotaging darkness for a long time. to know that i'm not alone. to read your comments.
that's this amazing infertility community. we know darkness. we also know light & we respect all the stages in between - even if we have to keep doing them over and over and over again to get the end result. really amazing group of ladies.
i don't want this blog to become a place where i talk about my brother all the time. truth be told, it's a little consuming right now & that's why you're hearing about it. I also feel like I want to keep telling you guys so that this amazing juju you've been sending to our family, keeps coming.
but
selfishly, i still want this to be about me. the little life we're trying hard to create. we literally waiting on paperwork to be sent to the new office. what drives me nuts is that i don't understand why they want pictures of A's nuts from 4 years ago before they will proceed with IUI if we are using donor sperm. who cares? it's just dumb. it's so annoying. why should that stop things for yet another month? why is something always making us wait again and again. grrr.... I'm off all week from work so i'm going to call tomorrow and tell or i mean ask them if we can just get a move on it already :)
from the bottom of my heart. thank you. makes me so grateful.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
it happened
just like the show. heck, just like the movies. beautiful. loving notes from our family, a professional interventionist & most importantly, a son, brother, grandson & boyfriend that was ready to accept the beautiful gift that was being offered to him.
never in my life have i been more proud of my family. of my brother & of myself for keeping my shit together.
in two hours his plan will land with the interventionist in denver, co where he'll begin detox.
i consider myself to be spirited, spiritual & i believe in a higher power. i did not attend church with my family growing up, but rather with our neighbor. my mom hates organized religion. that's a different story.
today. God was with us. he wrapped his loving arms around my parents beautiful home & there was no fighting, no yelling, no blaming. just simply, "fine, i'll go."
continue to pray please. i'm so humbled by all of this. my willingness to seek therapy to better understand this crazy addiction, my parents willingness.
God is so good.
never in my life have i been more proud of my family. of my brother & of myself for keeping my shit together.
in two hours his plan will land with the interventionist in denver, co where he'll begin detox.
i consider myself to be spirited, spiritual & i believe in a higher power. i did not attend church with my family growing up, but rather with our neighbor. my mom hates organized religion. that's a different story.
today. God was with us. he wrapped his loving arms around my parents beautiful home & there was no fighting, no yelling, no blaming. just simply, "fine, i'll go."
continue to pray please. i'm so humbled by all of this. my willingness to seek therapy to better understand this crazy addiction, my parents willingness.
God is so good.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
eternally optimistic
i've talk about this before. a near picture perfect childhood. not spoiled, but never went without. always loved. always safe. always cared for.
12 years ago - i found pot in my little brothers room. some may not think this is a big deal. my mom's side of the family has some serious mental health issues. i knew, it was bad news. my parents don't do drugs, my dad drinks sometimes & my mother never. they are both educated. they are also enablers. 12 years ago my older brother & i tried an intervention. they lies started. the denial. the never ending cycle of pretending our family was fine when really someone was dying a slow & scary death.
fast forward. my little brother continued to live at home until he was 26 years old. with his girlfriend. this is honest. you can't make this shit up people. time after time after time my parents just wouldn't believe it. then they bought a house. how? god only knows. it went into foreclosure. my family bailed him out. again. you can't make this shit up people. i was trying to explain to my dad how bad it was and he just would listen. denial. oh and - he didn't tell my mom about it. so, yesterday i got a phone call again - the house in in foreclosure again. this time. i was not. backing. down. i've had it. i'm done.
tomorrow a professional interventionist is coming to my parents house from a rehab facility. i will not be there.
i can't tell you how many times this has caused havoc in my life. i think even knowing that he is safe in a facility will bring so much peace to me.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. i certainly hope he takes this amazing gift that they are about to present to him.
whoever your higher power is, the prayer you say - say an extra one tonight for me please.
12 years ago - i found pot in my little brothers room. some may not think this is a big deal. my mom's side of the family has some serious mental health issues. i knew, it was bad news. my parents don't do drugs, my dad drinks sometimes & my mother never. they are both educated. they are also enablers. 12 years ago my older brother & i tried an intervention. they lies started. the denial. the never ending cycle of pretending our family was fine when really someone was dying a slow & scary death.
fast forward. my little brother continued to live at home until he was 26 years old. with his girlfriend. this is honest. you can't make this shit up people. time after time after time my parents just wouldn't believe it. then they bought a house. how? god only knows. it went into foreclosure. my family bailed him out. again. you can't make this shit up people. i was trying to explain to my dad how bad it was and he just would listen. denial. oh and - he didn't tell my mom about it. so, yesterday i got a phone call again - the house in in foreclosure again. this time. i was not. backing. down. i've had it. i'm done.
tomorrow a professional interventionist is coming to my parents house from a rehab facility. i will not be there.
i can't tell you how many times this has caused havoc in my life. i think even knowing that he is safe in a facility will bring so much peace to me.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. i certainly hope he takes this amazing gift that they are about to present to him.
whoever your higher power is, the prayer you say - say an extra one tonight for me please.
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