The Q & A Chain Letter

The Q&A Chain Letter

i want to thank cgd for sending this to me. this is great since my blog here is new. i also have another blog that some of you have read. - i started this blog because  i am from a very small town were people talk. i wanted to say how i was really feeling - with no strings attached. i'm so thankful for the support!


1) What's the best dish you can cook?
any meat on the grill. they say it's a man's job. my husband preheats it for me. i do the rest. i love to marinate steaks & cold grilled chicken breast for breakfast is a treat for me - sounds gross - it's really good. 

2) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
sports in high school, hair salon ads & engagement announcement. oh and for that one time i robbed a few banks in town - i kid. i kid. i haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1996. 

3) What's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?
worst job was babysitting for a family who's house had so much filth in it - there were maggots. not kidding. i didn't know any better than but i should have called social services. it was so nasty. most memorable job i had was as a kid i would ride my bike into town (i lived in the country) and work at my mom's best friends daughter in laws hair salon (did you get that) i would wash towels, take out rollers, clean out the sinks, restock the shelves & talk make appointments. mind you - i was about 8. totally unpaid. totally awesome. i got to go with them to hair shows, do modeling shoots for the weekly paper that came out & go shopping in the summer on Monday's when the salon was closed. i got to be 100% girly girl. I ended up working there until i was well into high school - i exchanged my hours worked for tanning salon time - to this day - i still love the smell of a good perm. 

4) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
i'm not exactly sure - although if you look through the notebooks upon notebooks still in my childhood bedroom to this day - you'll see pages and pages of my name w/ the boy of the week, month or year. i was always practicing my "new" last name. i got married in 2003. the ripe old age of  24. we had been together since 1999. i never dated anyone unless i thought it was going to be long term - i always jumped right in - even at 15 years old. funny part is - when i did get married - i had a really hard time dropping my maiden name. it wasn't until 2 months ago on facebook that i dropped it. 

5) What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
dusting. i hate dusting. i love deep cleaning. cleaning the bathroom is satisfaction for me. i have to scrub on my hands and knees. i don't own a mop - i think they are gross. i love deep cleaning so much - i scrubbed our three stall garage floor yesterday. 

6) What's your earliest memory?
my mom was in labor. i was 3 1/2. i was screaming and holding on to her not to leave me. that was it - then the next day i remember going to see her in the hospital and everything being ok.

i would like to ask the same six questions - mostly because the hubby got home from work early and wants to watch "wall street 1" - in prep for "wall street 2" - which i have never seen the first one - and he says "pumps him up for work".

here's the  amazing people i'm sending this onto: 

http://ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com/

http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/

so annoying

i had my lh surge. on monday - or at least one test said i did. the donor sperm arrived again last week. after some time in our bedroom - i moved it to the dining room table for good keeping.

it's a crazy world i tell you. we wanted to do a few months of "trying" at home. first of all - our insurance covers zip zero zelch of infertility - now that dh has been diagnosted - they don't even cover SA's. it's shitty. but it is what it is. so we decided to try a few months at home and see what happens. 

here's why i'm annoyed. here is why i'm going to have to call my doctor if we have to do this again next month and just suck it up. 

1. the forms from the clinic say to let it thaw at 98.2 for 4-5 minutes - when i was looking at their site - one thing said to let it thaw for 10 minutes. um - seriously - that's twice the time. so i called. meagan informed me that they just changed things and that 4-5 minutes is the right time - but wanted to know where i found the 10 because they must have missed changing it. 

2. i then asked her how much should i expect in each vile because last month there wasn't very much (and way less after i dropped some in the bathtub) and she said - "oh you're doing this at home?" - me - "yes" - "oh you should be getting ICI not IUI" - me - "well our donor only has IUI and you guys never told us this. can we get ICI" m - "you'll have to choose a new donor." - are you fucking kidding me. 

3. i searched high and low for the perfect syringe and all the right gear (aka pre seed etc) only to have my husband have to go out of town for work.... between a late surge, only having a week to use up the swimmers - and having to do it all myself.... i'm not feeling super excited about this 2ww... 

then i have my bff in the whole world whom i love tell me - well - practice makes perfect - are you kidding me? you have three kids - we've been practicing perfect for way too long. 

in other news - the little girl we take care of from time to time has been staying with us for a few nights while her mom visits her boyfriend - more on that later - and she finally learned to tie her shoes tonight - she six! it's a good thing her five year old brother still wears a diaper. or that her mom is living off the state.... the most amazing people have kids don't they? 

happiness today, hope tomorrow

my friend over at adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com passed on this fabulous award to me. cgd has been an amazing support and cheerleader over these past few months. when i began reading her blog - i had to do it in small doses - because i spent a lot of time crying. she's been through hell and back and still manages to keep her game face on. 

so here's what she sent me:

infertility (and many other things in life) makes you focus on the future your desire is for a future event even if you manage to get knocked up or get a successful adoption placement it's still a future event and so we're constantly looking forward looking to the future and focussing on happiness we may achieve then but what about the now? what about what is making us happy in this moment in this very instance?

the rules are easy - you put that picture up on your blog and list one thing that you are happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. and you then pass this award along. 

this really comes at a great time for me too. our swimmers are being delivered tomorrow and while a lot of time can be spent thinking about the what if's in life - it's great to really focus on the now. 

i am beyond happy at this very moment to honestly feel comfortable with my body for the first time in more than a decade. at 17 my first love got another girl knocked up (go figure); my grandfather died of cancer (he was and still is - like a second dad); my days of  being the hot shot were over - i took up smoking - followed by drinking - followed by late night eating - followed by being lazy - you get the drift - eventually i gave up the smoking, slowed down on the drinking - and would swing in and out of the lazy - i'd lose some weight, gain it back, workout a bunch - quit working out - this constant stuggle of not feeling good enough or less than - in may of 2006 i ran my first half marathon. in december of 2008 my second. #3 june of 09; #4 may of 10' & #5 september of 10'. when i crossed the finish line in june of 09 - i did it for me. because i deserved to feel good. i started believing in me. for my abilities. for my strength. in may of 10' - i felt empowered. in september of 10' i felt accomplished. it didn't matter when i crossed the finish line at those moments that i didn't have a child. it mattered that i believed in myself enough. i went gluten free in march. in this journey - i've lost 30 pounds (since jan 10'). i feel alive again. i feel like the athlete i was my whole life growing up. i feel like myself again. i tell all my friends - "working out and sex for women are the same - you don't always want to do it - but after you're done - you're so happy you did."

the one thing that i'm hoping for in the furture is what all of us are hoping for - a family. to be a loving, kind, caring, honest mom & wife - who makes time for herself - who finds balance - who follows old traditions and creates new ones. who will remind myself when things get hard with my children - just how i felt at this very moment - that the very sight of them would bring enough happiness to heal everyone's broken heart.  

thank you - cgd - from the bottom of my heart for the extra kick start on getting this blog out there! 

here's the peeps i'm sending it onto: 

1. ababybumpjourney.blogspot.com - the very thought of finding people online that i could relate to - never crossed my mind - until a rare chance i was watching the today show. so thankful! 

2. meganswishingwell.blogspot.com - well because everyone loves a gluten free girl. 

3. iamreadyandwaiting.blogspot.com - she's had a really shitty day. enough already! 

thankful

i'm so thankful for the Internet. i really am. i went to a small small high school - the junior high was on one side of the hallway and the high school was on the other - i'm not kidding. it must have been pretty appealing to a lot of people because it's bigger now - but regardless - i knew people 10 years older than me and five years younger than me. one of the girls that was 5 years older than me - i might have secretly stalked when i was little. i wanted to be just like her. she's a really beautiful girl and has an even better heart. i worked with her for a short time later in life and low and behold - i found her on facebook years later - and after doing my exam of 'kids or no kids' and small talk chat back and forth - i sent her a message asking her the DL on the kiddo status - explaining our situation first - of course - it turned into many discussions and cheering each other on. she had her iui 2 weeks back and i got this email from her -

bummer day....not pregnant 


she too has been at this just about exactly the same amount of time as we have. in fact - seems that of all the blogs i read - we're almost all on the same timeline... i honestly have to believe that the end is so near for all of us. i say it's high time the universe delivers some killer eggs and super mighty swimmers! 


i'm beyond thankful i am not alone in this journey - and i am so grateful that i am able to have true compassion, empathy and understanding for a friend when they are in need. 

it's all around me

so many days - i'm so strong. i put myself in these situations. to torment myself? possibly. to prove to myself that i'm stronger than i thought i was? possibly. i know all of the IF people have felt this way - you can't escape it. it never leaves you. 

i watch a kid. he's one. in my house. monday - thursday from 7:15a-5:30p. he's amazing. i love him so much. but it's hard because he's not mine - but he fills my absolute desires just a little bit. it all started that i would watch him because we needed the extra steady income and i thought i could take him w/ me to my ivf appointments - ivf got put on the back burner & donor on the front - because of a pure financial stand point. 

i have a mom's group that i hang out with. i'm normally ok with this - because it's either that we are all together with no kids - having dinner & drinks - or we're together for an afternoon & i have the kid with me. last week i got an email - that said in the subject line - i miss my mommy friends and kiddos - i wish people were more sensitive. this week i got a recipe book that i declined to be involved in that said "Mom's Group" on the front.  Really? and then i find out one of them is expecting again.

i took the kid for his 1 year picture with his mom and the photographer said she liked his shirt. i had made it for him. she asked if i would make some and sell them in her shop. i said sure - exciting for me to get some of my work out there - however i now have 8 onesies hanging in my laundry room with a 1 on them. i'm still waiting for the photographer to email me back so i can drop them off.

this bothers me

This kit provides all of the tools necessary for at-home insemination with either a surrogate mother (for gay couples) or donor sperm (for lesbian couples).


not all donor sperm are lesbians - some of us just happened to marry a man with a string of bad luck. i have no problem at all same sex couples, marriage or raising families in same sex marriage. the only thing i care about is how you treat the child. 


i would, however, like more books on donor sperm & the hubby. understanding his process a little bit more. wishing that i could be in his head - just for a good 15 minutes. i know we all wish that of our partner. 


TTC at home should take place again in less than a week. I'm much less excited about this round and will dread the 2ww - i'm going to try preseed this month - anyone else a fan? 

lump in my throat

i don't expect people to wait for us to have a child. i really don't. it doesn't make it any easier when we find out that another friend has taken the plunge into mommyhood and they had to "wait" all of two months to get pregnant. if it's a friend that i don't really have to see or hear from - i'm usually pretty good. if it's a friend who is a part of my life that i'll see often - it's really hard for me. i think mostly because i know no matter how bad it hurts - i can't help but love kids. 

stopping at a friends house today and having her show me a picture of her kid with a big sister shirt on... made my visit really short followed by a tearful car ride home. 

i can't wait for all of this to come to an end. 

from the beginning

i met a boy. october 1998. i knew instantly that he would be my forever. he was smart. he was kind. he had eyes that sparkled a different kind of blue when he was near water. his smile could brighten anyones day. in august of 2002 he asked me to be his wife. in august of 2003 we said i do. in september of 2003 i went off the pill. we used latex protection. in may of 2006 we started trying to have a baby. in july of 2007 i started all the girl testing. by march of 2008 we knew something wasn't right. doctors confirmed. sa - "severely abnormal". oh - and from 2005-2009 - we moved. me = three states;  husband = four. it's been a hell of a ride.

we've made some pretty big decisions in the past three months. we've decided that we are getting a sperm donor. we've picked him out. we've had sperm shipped to the house. we've gotten BFN.

we've been through enough IF. enough for us. we no longer want this to define us - as a couple. the tip toeing around with questions, others telling us they are expecting & i'd really love for my husband to get on some testosterone cream so i could get laid once in a while.

at the end of the day i married the best man in the world for me. getting a donor was his idea. he's a stud like that.