i've been thinking, analyzing, digesting, & processing everything that A & I have been through the last 8 years of our marriage. about how everything that i said i would never do - i'm doing. and i'm really ok. i would never leave the state i was raised in - i did that. twice. it was the best thing we ever did. i said i'd never move to the city that his parents live in. i've done that. i couldn't be happy to be back in my home state and a just a few hours away from my family that means so much to me. i didn't think that i would ever get through life if i wasn't the first person in my family to have the first baby girl. someone beat me to it. besides her mom, dad & grandma - i might be the only one that can comfort her. i love her & wouldn't change a thing. i always said that by the time i turned 30 - i'd be done having kids - because i wanted to be a "young" mom. now i realize - if i was a "young" mom - i wouldn't have realized that all the things i never thought i could do - i did. sometimes if find myself quickly flipping from searching on our sperm bank website to waste of time - oh i mean facebook - because i've just had enough looking for one night. because no matter how long i look, how hard i look, or how many searches i do - i'll never find the perfect man because quite frankly, he's right next to me... and having him as the father of my children will be one of my proudest moments. when i think about infertility - i think about how everyone has their own story and quite honestly most are much more challenging than mine.
what's the one word you would use to describe infertility?
amazing post. It is so intereting to think about the twists and turns our lives take and how far we get to where we thought we would be.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine how hard it is to try to pick a donor. Here to hold your hand along the journey for sure.
I am not sure how to pick one word to desribe IF, I think it would transformitive. IF has totally changed every thing for me, for better and worse.
thanks for all the gluten free advice, you are the best!!!
Trying the dig out the good from so much bad is a difficult process. It takes a strong person to not wallow in the pain (and I'm a wallower, so I know of which I speak) and the fact that you are able to see a silver lining in so much rain means that you are truly a strong person.
ReplyDeleteMy one word to describe IF? Empty.
It's drained my hope and faith away, and there is a hole in my heart that may never be healed.
I decided for sure - that mine is - heavy. it's so heavy. blah.
ReplyDeleteone word? I'm not sure if there are any words big enough to describe this experience. Heavy, Empty, Transformative, Consuming, Persistent, It changes from moment to moment, you know?
ReplyDeleteI am struck everytime someone says this:
"because no matter how long i look, how hard i look, or how many searches i do - i'll never find the perfect man because quite frankly, he's right next to me... and having him as the father of my children will be one of my proudest moments."
because I feel so much this same way. I know exactly what, but I just can't have it... and the dream of my love fathering our children fills me with more love than I ever knew possible.