control

I realize now that the idea of getting donor sperm and insemination working out quickly was a dream. I also know now that not getting pregnant from our last donor was a blessing. I felt like I knew everything about him. Maybe it was borderline crazy wanting to know every last detail - and then losing that - let's be honest - losing the little control I had - was terrible. With our new donor - A picked him out - I know little about him. I know he's healthy. I know when A had me listen to his voice & he spoke - A smiled. He fit. They seem to be a lot alike. I know how fortunate I am that getting a donor right off the bat was 100% A's idea. Even being in a different situation financially now - we both feel that a donor is still the right route - start fresh - hope for the best.

tomorrow i got back for another u/s - see what the clomid day for me (days 3-7) & meet with the doctor - I can tell you what it did for me - a case of the bloat - horrible hot flashes & the ability to start crying more easily than a young child in need of a nap.

update

sometimes no news is good news. other times no news means not really wanting to talk about reality. i'll start with the no news is good news news.

my brother has been clean and sober for five months. my mom, dad, older brother, myself, my hubby & my little brothers girlfriend all flew out for graduation. my older brothers wife and four kids stayed behind. it was the first time my dad has flown since 1982. to say he needed a vacation is an understatement. while i know that my brothers battle is not over - he has the tools he needs to have the best life possible. the amount of peace that has overcome my heart is hard to describe.

now not wanting to talk about reality.

in the last three months - my cycle has gone from 31-33 days to 37. i'm getting an OPT at day 22. not kidding. our dr informed us that after day 18 our chance of miscarriage goes up - however - my follicles look amazing. last month - two of them neck in neck for egg race. so - high miscarriage rate or high multiple rate with clomid. i'm now on day 2 of clomid. i just don't understand after all the crap with A - why are we dealing with crap with me now.

update

- where have i been? that's a great question.

- i've officially launched my photography business & it's keeping me more than busy.

- i've been out to visit that brother of mine - you know - the one who was on drugs - but has now been clean for 90 - yes - 90 days. he's gained 25lbs - looks beautiful & tells me he loves me all the time. not kidding. he's still in treatment and should graduate in just a few weeks which i know is a whole new ball game - so until then - i'm in present time - and that brings me joy.

- that photography business i started - you need - a computer these days to start such thing -so wouldn't you know - three big jobs - my old mac couldn't keep up with the big boys anymore - and i was without a computer for a bit - and now i have a desktop... it's kind of nice not trying to multi task and having to come upstairs to work.

- that having a baby thing - what this blog is all about - is a mess right now. we picked our new donor - swimmers are patiently waiting at our clinic and wouldn't you go figure - day 18 - i haven't ovulated yet - WTF! I know you ladies have it way worse - but seriously - what a fucking joke. After day 18 - i just learned - your chance of miscarriage goes way up - so we're going to do one more natural cycle next month and then if that doesn't work - start some medication for me. I'm 100% not against people taking medication - the doctor just wants me to do one more cycle since every. single. other. cycle. has been 16-17 day surge. please dear God....

false alarm

i've 'disattached' myself so much from finding the new donor that the donor i thought we picked that retired is in fact not the donor. my plug-in wasn't working yesterday on my mac so i couldn't look at the picture of him - and i honestly believed it was that one.... today i log on to start looking again - look at the picture - and what do you know - our donor - has in fact - not retired.... hoy vey. i've got to get my shit together.

#2 - Retired

yep. another one bites the dust. it's a good thing i didn't have my heart set. back to the drawing board. we hope to start IUI in my next cycle.

i'm just plain annoyed.

i've decided

once again another one of my friends is expecting. last night, i was upset. i've always been someone who has prayed however i don't know how much intention i've brought to my prayers. things changed when my brother excepted treatment. it was a prayer that i wanted answered for a very long time & it finally was. it reminded me that things don't always happen exactly when we want them to.

i'm sick of being upset when i hear about friends having babies. i'm sick of it hurting & i'm sick of it getting to me. to be totally honest - it's a waste of my time and energy.

last night, i prayed not to be bitter. within five minutes i felt peace. i'm not kidding. this was my thought. i have choosen my friends. i choose to have people in my life that mean something to me. people who make me want to be better. people who have good morals, work hard, give back to their community & help strangers in need. my newest prego friend - is nothing shy of this. she's a really great person - and i should be bitter because she's going to be a mom again? a really great mom. a stable mom who will do anything for her family & who really seems to have an amazing relationship with her husband. who goes on dates with him, chooses not to do "mom night out things" when she knows her children need her and who chooses to have those nights with girlfriends when she knows she needs it more. who has choosen to put her cell phone away for the day to focus only on her kids.

i'm still going to be bitter over the 16 year olds, the parents that scream at their kids & a lot more terrible parents.

two new donors

we found two possible donors tonight that we like. . one - pretty darn good. then another - when we listened to the 2nd one - A was grinning from ear to ear. I'm not kidding. he's never done this with a donor yet. His personality is so much like A's - it's a little crazy. His Paternal Uncle had child that they list as "mental retardation". We've got something to think about.

so besides IF - it will happen when it happens crap you get from people who have kids - they also will tell you - that this doesn't matter. that you never know what you're going to get with your husband. i get that BUT here is the deal - it's the cream of the crop... why not increase your odds?

we have to read more medical history - i'm anxious to find out more.