confidence

confidence is a funny thing to have. the state of being certain. saturday morning after i walked out of the procedure room i had all the confidence in the world that this time it was going to work. they figured out the ovulation, the prolactin, we got the right donor & an extra shot in the ass just for added security. i was confident that this time was our time. the doctor that did the procedure is not my normal doctor. this guy was on call for the weekend. i've heard stories that his bedside manners are terrible, he has no personality & he's not easy to talk to. I went in there confident that i was going to have a different experience with him. one of my friends told me he's got a really dry sense of humor & i went with it. I had him laughing in the first few minutes. I'm not sure if it was my comment about getting me knocked up while my husband was still in bed or asking him about airplanes. I liked this guy so much, that I might switch doctors. I get him. He got me. Score. My first male doctor. He put all that magical equipment in me so fast i hardly had time to know what was going on. He's efficient. No time wasted. I put my feet up, tilted my pelvis up - and he we shot the breeze for a bit. When i was all done -I asked about the counts. Not so great. Our sperm clinics thaw process is different from others that it's very fast - with the thought that a little more thawing might happen inside of me - the perfect temp. i left feeling pretty good. confident.

i had a nice weekend. i had the opportunity to talk to one of my dear friends this afternoon & i found out she's 13 weeks pregnant. it just stings like a son of a bitch. the confidence goes right out the window. I'm happy for them, i really am. she's an incredible human being - they will make great parents - but so will A & I. Why are we the ones that have to sit around and wait and wait and fucking wait. i'm so incredibly sick of waiting.

i'm trying to be confident, optimistic & patient. I really am. but for the love of God - let's get on with the show already.

day 15

two follicles as of Tuesday at 7am. one measured 15.89 & the other 16.something... still no positive on my opt - this morning i went in again - two follicles still kicking it - 18.89 & 19.65 - tomorrow morning we'll do the HCG shot & then iui saturday - another 2ww - my hopes aren't high - just trying to be chill and real about it all. if it doesn't work this month - two more months and then we'll have to have some serious conversations about our next step.