update

- where have i been? that's a great question.

- i've officially launched my photography business & it's keeping me more than busy.

- i've been out to visit that brother of mine - you know - the one who was on drugs - but has now been clean for 90 - yes - 90 days. he's gained 25lbs - looks beautiful & tells me he loves me all the time. not kidding. he's still in treatment and should graduate in just a few weeks which i know is a whole new ball game - so until then - i'm in present time - and that brings me joy.

- that photography business i started - you need - a computer these days to start such thing -so wouldn't you know - three big jobs - my old mac couldn't keep up with the big boys anymore - and i was without a computer for a bit - and now i have a desktop... it's kind of nice not trying to multi task and having to come upstairs to work.

- that having a baby thing - what this blog is all about - is a mess right now. we picked our new donor - swimmers are patiently waiting at our clinic and wouldn't you go figure - day 18 - i haven't ovulated yet - WTF! I know you ladies have it way worse - but seriously - what a fucking joke. After day 18 - i just learned - your chance of miscarriage goes way up - so we're going to do one more natural cycle next month and then if that doesn't work - start some medication for me. I'm 100% not against people taking medication - the doctor just wants me to do one more cycle since every. single. other. cycle. has been 16-17 day surge. please dear God....

false alarm

i've 'disattached' myself so much from finding the new donor that the donor i thought we picked that retired is in fact not the donor. my plug-in wasn't working yesterday on my mac so i couldn't look at the picture of him - and i honestly believed it was that one.... today i log on to start looking again - look at the picture - and what do you know - our donor - has in fact - not retired.... hoy vey. i've got to get my shit together.

#2 - Retired

yep. another one bites the dust. it's a good thing i didn't have my heart set. back to the drawing board. we hope to start IUI in my next cycle.

i'm just plain annoyed.

i've decided

once again another one of my friends is expecting. last night, i was upset. i've always been someone who has prayed however i don't know how much intention i've brought to my prayers. things changed when my brother excepted treatment. it was a prayer that i wanted answered for a very long time & it finally was. it reminded me that things don't always happen exactly when we want them to.

i'm sick of being upset when i hear about friends having babies. i'm sick of it hurting & i'm sick of it getting to me. to be totally honest - it's a waste of my time and energy.

last night, i prayed not to be bitter. within five minutes i felt peace. i'm not kidding. this was my thought. i have choosen my friends. i choose to have people in my life that mean something to me. people who make me want to be better. people who have good morals, work hard, give back to their community & help strangers in need. my newest prego friend - is nothing shy of this. she's a really great person - and i should be bitter because she's going to be a mom again? a really great mom. a stable mom who will do anything for her family & who really seems to have an amazing relationship with her husband. who goes on dates with him, chooses not to do "mom night out things" when she knows her children need her and who chooses to have those nights with girlfriends when she knows she needs it more. who has choosen to put her cell phone away for the day to focus only on her kids.

i'm still going to be bitter over the 16 year olds, the parents that scream at their kids & a lot more terrible parents.

two new donors

we found two possible donors tonight that we like. . one - pretty darn good. then another - when we listened to the 2nd one - A was grinning from ear to ear. I'm not kidding. he's never done this with a donor yet. His personality is so much like A's - it's a little crazy. His Paternal Uncle had child that they list as "mental retardation". We've got something to think about.

so besides IF - it will happen when it happens crap you get from people who have kids - they also will tell you - that this doesn't matter. that you never know what you're going to get with your husband. i get that BUT here is the deal - it's the cream of the crop... why not increase your odds?

we have to read more medical history - i'm anxious to find out more.

you're not going to believe it (and no i'm not knocked up)

last monday, before we left for our trip, i asked A to email me the travel arrangements. he was flying out of Green Bay and I was flying out of MKE. We did this because work was paying for his way over priced ticked and we were paying for my ticket which was more than half the price of his. He was also traveling with a co-worker & I was traveling with his wife. So - I got the email & i looked - I had a layover in Denver (at the time of the booking, I knew I had a layover but didn't think of it again, because, really, it's a layover) but Denver - my brother is in Fort Collins, just an hour away.... I knew I had to go and see him. After talking with his therapist & trying to figure out all the details - it would have cost about 400.00 with the rental car & flight changes - and I would have gotten to see him for about oh 30 minutes. I'm going to see him at the end of April, so I just didn't think it was worth it.

tuesday. rain. snow. sleet. flight delayed, one hour. we knew in MKE that we would be missing our connecting flight to Denver so they looked at the next flight going out for me at 7:30pm. booked. 9:30 - I got the last seat on the plan. My friend had to fly to Charlotte & then Vegas - both getting into Vegas around the same time. I called my brothers therapist again - he said - come - he thought it would be great - my brother was in a session however he called me in a bit of a panic right before my flight left MKE & said, "three people said to call you, what's up?" I said, "do you wanna have dinner w/ your sister tonight?" he said, "what the fuck, what?" i explained. he was beyond excited. i didn't find out until later, but that morning, he called both my dad and his girlfriend and said that he knew he was in the right place but that he just really wanted to see a face from home. God is awesome. I've never in my life been more thrilled to have a delayed flight.

i drove like hell on wheels, picked up some McDonald's, & headed to see him. It was one of the best days of my life. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we kissed & held hands. His emotions were raw, i saw for the first time in more than 12 years, the little boy that i've loved all my life. The brother that I know. He's beautiful & he's so grateful to be where he is. It was amazing.

I had one hour with him.

I drove like hell on wheels back to Denver, had my flight not been delayed 15 minutes, I would have missed it. I've never run so fast in all my life (and i'm a runner).

I know there is a long road ahead of all of us.

I put some money in his student account & told the gang that putting the money on him was a way better decision than gambling it in Vegas. I proved that statement. After losing 100.00 on nickel slots, nickel slots people, i decided my money would be way better spent on new clothes.

My brother called me while in Vegas and said, "I still can't believe you came here to see me and went through all that trouble." I said (while crying), "I'd go to the moon and back for my clean brother." I think he's beginning to understand how I feel about him.

Vegas was great. Awesome food. Pool time. Amazing time with the hubby when he wasn't working & just what I needed.

In baby news, rock and roll guys. We subscribed to get full acess to all donors, next step, call the clinic when my period starts and come in on day 12 for an ultrasound. fingers crossed that the bumps in the road are few and far between.

Confirmation

We got confirmation from the sperm clinic yesterday that they received the paperwork from our clinic to have our sperm shipped directly there.... Our clinic just wants to do some very basic blood work on me & if all that comes back ok (dear God, I've been good so far, let it continue that way) we'll get started on unmediated IUI - extremely basic stuff here considering what other people have gone through.... there really is great relief in knowing I don't have to be the one to do the insemination myself, wonder about timing... etc...

Headed to Vegas in just a little bit - being hopefully that my life happens just as the saying goes - Vegas, baby....