infertility. in one word.

i've been thinking, analyzing, digesting, & processing everything that A & I have been through the last 8 years of our marriage. about how everything that i said i would never do - i'm doing. and i'm really ok. i would never leave the state i was raised in - i did that. twice. it was the best thing we ever did. i said i'd never move to the city that his parents live in. i've done that. i couldn't be happy to be back in my home state and a just a few hours away from my family that means so much to me. i didn't think that i would ever get through life if i wasn't the first person in my family to have the first baby girl. someone beat me to it. besides her mom, dad & grandma - i might be the only one that can comfort her. i love her & wouldn't change a thing. i always said that by the time i turned 30 - i'd be done having kids - because i wanted to be a "young" mom. now i realize - if i was a "young" mom - i wouldn't have realized that all the things i never thought i could do - i did. sometimes if find myself quickly flipping from searching on our sperm bank website to waste of time - oh i mean facebook - because i've just had enough looking for one night. because no matter how long i look, how hard i look, or how many searches i do - i'll never find the perfect man because quite frankly, he's right next to me... and having him as the father of my children will be one of my proudest moments. when i think about infertility - i think about how everyone has their own story and quite honestly most are much more challenging than mine.


what's the one word you would use to describe infertility?

ahhh haaa moments

this winter - shortly after finding out our old donor retired - i was in a town about two hours away and at a big market taking pictures of some little girls for their parents. there was a gift shop there & i love any kind of sign that has words on it. i saw this one out of the corner of my eye:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. You gain strength, courage, & confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."

I didn't get the sign. I was working & thought it might be a little out of place. I've thought about it almost everyday since then. Found the artist online - and the sign was no longer being made. Yesterday, I found it in a store here in town. I almost sprinted to the front of the store to have them take it down.

I find it a little ironic that Friday I go to our new clinic to get things started with a new donor. We actually have not picked a new donor. We've picked three. All are fine. We have been using what we think is the best clinic in the country - 700 men apply - 1 man gets chosen to donate. This man is not raising our child. He's giving us a beautiful beautiful gift - but it's no longer about me obsession about his every detail. I just can't wait for the day to come when my husband holds his baby in his arms - regardless of the DNA.

our house

this weekend we agreed to take our friends kids. a little girl who just turned 4 & a little boy who is a peanut but almost 2. we also decided that we should get our PAL for the weekend - she's almost 7 and she gets along great with the 4 year old. for those of you who haven't read about our PAL - she's been affected with the trifecta - she was abused mental & physical by her father and confessed to me this summer that she was also abused sexually. she hasn't seen her dad since may & i'd love if she never saw him again. she's thriving without him. things were so bad that the last time he visited her - she got expelled from school the next day for beating the shit out of a kid - as a kindergartner. the amazing people surrounding her - couldn't figure it out. are you fucking kidding me? it's crazy. but that's not the point of this.

my day started at 6:30 to a crazy dirty diaper, making egg, pancakes, waffles, toast, and another egg. all by 7:30. followed by getting everyone ready, playing, going for a run, playing, decorating cupcakes, making lunch, reading books, naps, showering, making dinner for a birthday party, inviting guest over, dealing with the 4 year old peeing her pants, baths, two more dirty diapers, dinner, 4 loads of laundry, 3 loads in the dishwasher & a whole day of kissing, positive reinforcement & making sure my husband got some sweet kisses too.

i got to play house today. all day long. it was magical. i tried not to think about it being painful - to just remain grateful - that people trust me. love me & give me their children with open arms knowing that they will come back healthy and happy. it reminds me that just because the DNA of our child will most likely only be ours (maybe neither of ours if IUI doesn't work, well do adoption) the child will be our baby. right now i'm to the point that any child will be perfect with me.

it also is a reminder that the constant bitching that parents do on facebook with their kids really irritates me. so this was my wall post last night:

an almost two year old, a four year old & a six year old - all snug as a bug in a rug at our house... i know this is some peoples "normal" but it's pretty darn amazing for us. cherish your children. they are amazing.

i hope they got the point.

i get to play house tomorrow too until the superbowl.... that's right folks green & gold all the way!!

the pits

the bummer part about being married to a man who suffers from IF is his lack of sex drive. it's pretty much non existent. being in my early 30's it's pretty darn opposite for me.

we have sex - hardly ever. i mean that. especially now that we've used and will be using a donor. it breaks my heart. this morning i decided to just go for it. - he couldn't finish - seriously.

he's been eating a ton, not working out, and obviously stressed. it breaks my heart. he's not someone that talks about feelings. ever. in fact, he gets really annoyed.

i'm really trying to be understand.

Happy New Year

i'm nestled in my fluffy white blanket with a nice cup of coffee & enjoying the peace and quiet that surrounds me on my last day of vacation. i left last week Wednesday to start our Christmas celebration and i've been home a whole 24 hours since then. my brothers family and his four kids live two hours away & he and his wife are both teachers so i got to spend some good quality time with them. i even managed to steal my sister in law away for a whole day of outlet & ikea shopping - it was really wonderful.

i spent new years with my bestest friends. when i was five, a little girl was hiding behind a garbage can, shy, new to our school, & afraid - i asked her to play - we've been playing ever since. she now lives in san diego, dated a boy from 18-20 - moved on with her life, reconnected with him at 27 & married him three weeks later, had two beautiful children with him - oh and he's a seal. a real live navy seal, & he's deployed. she's "home" in wisconsin to stay with her mom for part of the time that he's gone and i feel beyond thankful that she's here. she is drop dead beautiful. has a body to drool over. is an amazing mom. a wonderful sister to her younger brother, an awesome daughter, a faithful friend but most importantly a wife that loves her husband unlike any love i have ever seen. yesterday morning after a 4am night of cocktails and conversation (who stays up until 4?) she was up with her kids and i came downstairs to hear her talking to her son. he's colored some pictures and she asks him if he'd like to send it to daddy. she bets that daddy would really like it in his room. i start to cry. i don't let her see. i just continue to wash dishes & remind myself that i have so much to be thankful for. little things like taking the dogs out in the morning. right now, her husband is on a ship. somewhere. that's all she knows. she never complains. i mean never. in her 5+ years of marriage i've heard her cry about him leaving once. she knew getting into it that this was going to be her life. she's so strong.

daily, i'm thankful. for my amazing friends (and i'll weed out the not so amazing ones) :) & i've decided that this year for my new years resolution i'm going to take the time once a month - choose a friend or family member - write them a card - reminding them how much a value them - put a stamp on it - and mail it in the united states postal service. it's all about getting back to basics for me.

i keep waiting

for big news. to post about a new discovery that we've made in the world of infertility - that we've finally gone to the endo and he's discovered something else than uttering the words we already know - "oh, your testicles are small." - seriously? we already know that - and ps doctor - i think they are just fine.

another rounds of test. another - oh you're within normal range but not really - so much so that we'd like to send you to the mayo clinic - oh really? what are we missing here?

i promise i've been reading blogs - just nothing much to report on our end - let's be honest - i hope 2011 is a better year.

annoying

i feel most days like we have a pretty good handle on our decisions with starting a family. this spring A will be getting his bonus. he's has had a really great year. his bonus will allow for us to pay off a big chunk of the debt from business school. it will no longer make us the 30 something couple that lives paycheck to paycheck. it's a good feeling. would it be enough for us to do IVF? yes. but we'd be right back in the same place we are now. driving two old cars, not saving & add a child to the mix of no money - it wouldn't be good. we both know this.

this afternoon - the little boy that i watch - his mom - called me to tell me she went to her OBGYN today and that such and such doctor can do this and that and blah blah blah! no shit sherlock - you don't think we've looked into every possible thing in this small town wisconsin?

sometimes i get so annoyed by everyone (people that haven't faced infertility) giving there two sense - it's times like this that i really regret telling anyone IRL about what is going on and why we don't have children.