i keep waiting

for big news. to post about a new discovery that we've made in the world of infertility - that we've finally gone to the endo and he's discovered something else than uttering the words we already know - "oh, your testicles are small." - seriously? we already know that - and ps doctor - i think they are just fine.

another rounds of test. another - oh you're within normal range but not really - so much so that we'd like to send you to the mayo clinic - oh really? what are we missing here?

i promise i've been reading blogs - just nothing much to report on our end - let's be honest - i hope 2011 is a better year.

annoying

i feel most days like we have a pretty good handle on our decisions with starting a family. this spring A will be getting his bonus. he's has had a really great year. his bonus will allow for us to pay off a big chunk of the debt from business school. it will no longer make us the 30 something couple that lives paycheck to paycheck. it's a good feeling. would it be enough for us to do IVF? yes. but we'd be right back in the same place we are now. driving two old cars, not saving & add a child to the mix of no money - it wouldn't be good. we both know this.

this afternoon - the little boy that i watch - his mom - called me to tell me she went to her OBGYN today and that such and such doctor can do this and that and blah blah blah! no shit sherlock - you don't think we've looked into every possible thing in this small town wisconsin?

sometimes i get so annoyed by everyone (people that haven't faced infertility) giving there two sense - it's times like this that i really regret telling anyone IRL about what is going on and why we don't have children.

giving thanks

it's the season to be thankful. i'd love to have a big pity party... but i'll do that tomorrow. tonight. i give thanks.

1. my marriage. not perfect. flawed. broken at times & carefully mended back together.
2. my husband. i have no idea what tree he fell off of but i often wish we needed eggs & not sperm - because they don't come better than him (except when he doesn't pick his clothes up or bites his fingernails)... giving thanks.
3. my legs. to run. run. run. exercise has kept me sane.
4. my nikon. my photography business is busy & it's a more than welcomed distraction.
5. my grandmother. seven miscarriages. she gives me hope.
6. my mother. her true & honest attempt to "understand" this year - made me realize i love her more now than i ever thought possible.
7. my big brother. same as my mom.
8. my best girlfriends. they listen.
9. my father. the most humble, kind & caring man alive.
10. my childhood.

true story

friday night. chicago. two amazing friends. one AM. we had dinner late - so we had a few glasses of wine - but nothing crazy. i'm talking IF. they listen. so well. like i said - amazing friends. i ask if they'd like to see a picture of our donor (we bought the childhood pictures). they said YES YES YES! so excited for us. i login to my iphone - our donor - fucking retired. not kidding. no warning. missed the opportunity to buy. retired. seriously. i'm about ready to lose my shit.

this is the song that will not end. it just goes on and on my friends.

i hope & pray that the families that already have kids with our donor were able to buy enough if they so choose to have the same DNA w/ their children - but this sucks.

don't you worry - i ordered a martini - this IF bullshit wasn't going to ruin a perfectly good night in chicago ladies.

switching gears

i'm so happy the elections are over. if there is one thing i can't stand more than people posting pictures of their kids in their cute halloween costumes - it's their political views. i don't want to hear about it. honestly. i grew up in a house with a democrat & a republican. for 38 married years - it has worked. our household is the same. one democrat - one republican. honestly - i could give a rats ass who you vote for but if you push it down my throat - i'll choke you :)

in our IF world - tomorrow we're going to another doctor - to approach this in a whole new view - a simple - thing for A to say - 'I don't feel well & my hair is falling out' - HELP.... maybe - just maybe - we can get to the bottom of this (a girl can have big dreams can't she?)

we also found a clinic where we'll do our next IUI - it's dirt cheap. i met a girl at a bar (don't judge) who used a donor - and she said that she gave me the number for the clinic. the women at the clinic talked to me on the phone yesterday for 25 minutes. she never tried to stop me. she listened - i know, can you believe it? amazing. now we have to get all the paperwork get it faxed over - and start over again with me...

Giuliana & Bill

anyone else watch them? they did ivf - they had a miscarriage.

it's sad right now. giuliana is trying to remain positive - bill is wanting to get a move on it right away again & friends are saying all the wrong things.

goes to show - the best doctors, the best care & a whole lot of money can't cure everything.

i wish there was a way for the IF world to reach out to her - to let her know we're here - and we get it.

next steps

on friday we are going to see my PA. she's an amazing PA. she will sit and listen to me tell her a story for an hour. i told A i just want to go in there & look at this from "i'm not feeling well" and not "we can't get pregnant". i feel like i'm always picking up the peices in our marriage. sometimes it's exhausting. i hope that we find something out with autoimmune. could it be his thyroid? it sure feels like everything that you look up - you can find one thing that he has. but this... it's every single one of them.

fatigue, exhaustion (he's was falling asleep at work before going gluten free)
feeling run down and sluggish (he always talks about being tired)
depression (he said he's had a lot of aniexty)
difficulty concentrating, brain fog (don't we all have this?)
dry, coarse and/or itchy skin (he has dandruff - it's been really bad)
dry, coarse and/or thinning hair (not kidding, he has been using rogaine & we blammed it on going of clomid)
feeling cold, especially in the extremities (he's breaking out in hives in really cold weather on his hands - ever since he got stung by the bee)
constipation (sorry ladies, but he's always complaining about this)
muscle cramps (he gets charlie horses like no other)
infertility (they say this happens if nothing has been done in a long time)

maybe it's another dead end. it's very possible - but if that's the case - we're just one step closer to getting to the root of all of this. i really want A to feel better.