9 weeks, Day 4

So far, so good. We saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks. It was fantastic to know that we're finally getting somewhere. All I do is worry. I don't even want to talk about it because I'm afraid it's not real.

My lovely in laws (hormones perhaps) took it upon themselves to tell A's entire family we were expected even though we talked to them hard core about not peeping a word. Nothing like a facebook email from A's cousin to remind me that I went from already being annoyed with them to being straight up pissed off. Right after telling them we got a card from them that said, "you're going to be great parents but we're going to be awesome grandparents love, mom & dad." Followed by her already telling me that she'll be giving our kid juice and whatever else crap she wants when I'm not around. I then informed her that it was "my baby" and she quickly responded, "no it's not your baby, it's our baby, i've been waiting just as long as you have" - OH really? Was your husband giving you injections in your ass? Instead I responded with, "you can see the kid or not see the kid - it's your choice." After telling these three stories with a few friends they inform me it's just going to get worse. I know this. My MIL tells people her mother is dead. She is not. She is alive and living in Mississippi. She chooses not to speak with her. Gives you a pretty good idea the kind of person I'm dealing with. Oh - she also drinks - everynight. I spent a solid year in therapy trying to figure out ways to deal with her. hoy vey!

So maybe because of the second paragraph - I haven't talked about it much because I don't want to deal with annoying people until we feel a little less scared that something bad is going to happen.

So for the happy part. I took the dumb at home test and didn't believe it so i went to the doctor the same day and got confirmation that things were really happening. In my true style I was in the hallway with my nurse and shouted, "it's about fucking time."

avoidance

that's what i've been doing on this blog. i don't want to hurt anyones feelings. i don't want to make anyone upset. so i've been avoiding it all together. but i have to come clean.

we're having a baby.

things are moving along right as they should be. my heart was racing so fast when they took my blood that my vein collapsed.

i'm sicker than a dog - but happier than a turkey that was saved on thanksgiving.

confidence

confidence is a funny thing to have. the state of being certain. saturday morning after i walked out of the procedure room i had all the confidence in the world that this time it was going to work. they figured out the ovulation, the prolactin, we got the right donor & an extra shot in the ass just for added security. i was confident that this time was our time. the doctor that did the procedure is not my normal doctor. this guy was on call for the weekend. i've heard stories that his bedside manners are terrible, he has no personality & he's not easy to talk to. I went in there confident that i was going to have a different experience with him. one of my friends told me he's got a really dry sense of humor & i went with it. I had him laughing in the first few minutes. I'm not sure if it was my comment about getting me knocked up while my husband was still in bed or asking him about airplanes. I liked this guy so much, that I might switch doctors. I get him. He got me. Score. My first male doctor. He put all that magical equipment in me so fast i hardly had time to know what was going on. He's efficient. No time wasted. I put my feet up, tilted my pelvis up - and he we shot the breeze for a bit. When i was all done -I asked about the counts. Not so great. Our sperm clinics thaw process is different from others that it's very fast - with the thought that a little more thawing might happen inside of me - the perfect temp. i left feeling pretty good. confident.

i had a nice weekend. i had the opportunity to talk to one of my dear friends this afternoon & i found out she's 13 weeks pregnant. it just stings like a son of a bitch. the confidence goes right out the window. I'm happy for them, i really am. she's an incredible human being - they will make great parents - but so will A & I. Why are we the ones that have to sit around and wait and wait and fucking wait. i'm so incredibly sick of waiting.

i'm trying to be confident, optimistic & patient. I really am. but for the love of God - let's get on with the show already.

day 15

two follicles as of Tuesday at 7am. one measured 15.89 & the other 16.something... still no positive on my opt - this morning i went in again - two follicles still kicking it - 18.89 & 19.65 - tomorrow morning we'll do the HCG shot & then iui saturday - another 2ww - my hopes aren't high - just trying to be chill and real about it all. if it doesn't work this month - two more months and then we'll have to have some serious conversations about our next step.

bromocriptine/clomid/hcg

i feel like everything i didn't ever want to feel like. i'm bloated. i feel like i could puke. i have hot flashes. i just started that new shit for my prolactin levels being high - they said the side effects are "horrible". i can't help but think if i wouldn't have sat around an waited until i was 32 to be ok with using a donors sperm that maybe, just maybe, my body wouldn't be doing this freak out shit on me. i feel like i'm failing adam. i'm feeling guilty for all the years of telling people it was him - when really it's been us. i'm tired. i'm working way more than i should be. my house is a mess (although cleaning my oven at 11pm has been a great idea),

if i see another ungrateful mother i might punch her brains out.

so here's our plan.

bromocroptine until i get prego
clomid days 3-7
hcg - a's going to learn how to give it on friday. joy.

tuesday - ultrasound

iui - i would guess in a week or so...


infertility really is the song that never ends.

bfn

bfn again this month. i'm doing ok. i'm so busy with everything else that's going on in my life that i tend to only cry when i sit down to think about it. i'm just fucking sick of it. this was iui #4 and i feel like i have no reason to complain to people who have been through a hell of a lot more.

this weekend the hubbies parents took it upon themselves to take our guest table cards at a cousins wedding and seat us right next to - the pregnant cousin and the cousin who just had her 5th kid (white trash). not kidding. i cried. right at the table. fuck em' - the pregnant cousin told me i should have been at her shower because she had gluten free cupcakes - i wanted to smack her. the other cousin told me later on in the night that other people she works with are just jealous of her because she can have kids and it's her right to have as many as she wants. i about died. actually - i just looked at her and walked away. mid conversation.

in happy news. we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. i ended the night by trying my dress on for kicks. it was too big. felt good.

just hanging tight to figure out what we have to do next since my prolactin levels were high last month. urgh. maybe we should just go right to ivf.

control

I realize now that the idea of getting donor sperm and insemination working out quickly was a dream. I also know now that not getting pregnant from our last donor was a blessing. I felt like I knew everything about him. Maybe it was borderline crazy wanting to know every last detail - and then losing that - let's be honest - losing the little control I had - was terrible. With our new donor - A picked him out - I know little about him. I know he's healthy. I know when A had me listen to his voice & he spoke - A smiled. He fit. They seem to be a lot alike. I know how fortunate I am that getting a donor right off the bat was 100% A's idea. Even being in a different situation financially now - we both feel that a donor is still the right route - start fresh - hope for the best.

tomorrow i got back for another u/s - see what the clomid day for me (days 3-7) & meet with the doctor - I can tell you what it did for me - a case of the bloat - horrible hot flashes & the ability to start crying more easily than a young child in need of a nap.