day 15

two follicles as of Tuesday at 7am. one measured 15.89 & the other 16.something... still no positive on my opt - this morning i went in again - two follicles still kicking it - 18.89 & 19.65 - tomorrow morning we'll do the HCG shot & then iui saturday - another 2ww - my hopes aren't high - just trying to be chill and real about it all. if it doesn't work this month - two more months and then we'll have to have some serious conversations about our next step.

bromocriptine/clomid/hcg

i feel like everything i didn't ever want to feel like. i'm bloated. i feel like i could puke. i have hot flashes. i just started that new shit for my prolactin levels being high - they said the side effects are "horrible". i can't help but think if i wouldn't have sat around an waited until i was 32 to be ok with using a donors sperm that maybe, just maybe, my body wouldn't be doing this freak out shit on me. i feel like i'm failing adam. i'm feeling guilty for all the years of telling people it was him - when really it's been us. i'm tired. i'm working way more than i should be. my house is a mess (although cleaning my oven at 11pm has been a great idea),

if i see another ungrateful mother i might punch her brains out.

so here's our plan.

bromocroptine until i get prego
clomid days 3-7
hcg - a's going to learn how to give it on friday. joy.

tuesday - ultrasound

iui - i would guess in a week or so...


infertility really is the song that never ends.

bfn

bfn again this month. i'm doing ok. i'm so busy with everything else that's going on in my life that i tend to only cry when i sit down to think about it. i'm just fucking sick of it. this was iui #4 and i feel like i have no reason to complain to people who have been through a hell of a lot more.

this weekend the hubbies parents took it upon themselves to take our guest table cards at a cousins wedding and seat us right next to - the pregnant cousin and the cousin who just had her 5th kid (white trash). not kidding. i cried. right at the table. fuck em' - the pregnant cousin told me i should have been at her shower because she had gluten free cupcakes - i wanted to smack her. the other cousin told me later on in the night that other people she works with are just jealous of her because she can have kids and it's her right to have as many as she wants. i about died. actually - i just looked at her and walked away. mid conversation.

in happy news. we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. i ended the night by trying my dress on for kicks. it was too big. felt good.

just hanging tight to figure out what we have to do next since my prolactin levels were high last month. urgh. maybe we should just go right to ivf.

control

I realize now that the idea of getting donor sperm and insemination working out quickly was a dream. I also know now that not getting pregnant from our last donor was a blessing. I felt like I knew everything about him. Maybe it was borderline crazy wanting to know every last detail - and then losing that - let's be honest - losing the little control I had - was terrible. With our new donor - A picked him out - I know little about him. I know he's healthy. I know when A had me listen to his voice & he spoke - A smiled. He fit. They seem to be a lot alike. I know how fortunate I am that getting a donor right off the bat was 100% A's idea. Even being in a different situation financially now - we both feel that a donor is still the right route - start fresh - hope for the best.

tomorrow i got back for another u/s - see what the clomid day for me (days 3-7) & meet with the doctor - I can tell you what it did for me - a case of the bloat - horrible hot flashes & the ability to start crying more easily than a young child in need of a nap.

update

sometimes no news is good news. other times no news means not really wanting to talk about reality. i'll start with the no news is good news news.

my brother has been clean and sober for five months. my mom, dad, older brother, myself, my hubby & my little brothers girlfriend all flew out for graduation. my older brothers wife and four kids stayed behind. it was the first time my dad has flown since 1982. to say he needed a vacation is an understatement. while i know that my brothers battle is not over - he has the tools he needs to have the best life possible. the amount of peace that has overcome my heart is hard to describe.

now not wanting to talk about reality.

in the last three months - my cycle has gone from 31-33 days to 37. i'm getting an OPT at day 22. not kidding. our dr informed us that after day 18 our chance of miscarriage goes up - however - my follicles look amazing. last month - two of them neck in neck for egg race. so - high miscarriage rate or high multiple rate with clomid. i'm now on day 2 of clomid. i just don't understand after all the crap with A - why are we dealing with crap with me now.

update

- where have i been? that's a great question.

- i've officially launched my photography business & it's keeping me more than busy.

- i've been out to visit that brother of mine - you know - the one who was on drugs - but has now been clean for 90 - yes - 90 days. he's gained 25lbs - looks beautiful & tells me he loves me all the time. not kidding. he's still in treatment and should graduate in just a few weeks which i know is a whole new ball game - so until then - i'm in present time - and that brings me joy.

- that photography business i started - you need - a computer these days to start such thing -so wouldn't you know - three big jobs - my old mac couldn't keep up with the big boys anymore - and i was without a computer for a bit - and now i have a desktop... it's kind of nice not trying to multi task and having to come upstairs to work.

- that having a baby thing - what this blog is all about - is a mess right now. we picked our new donor - swimmers are patiently waiting at our clinic and wouldn't you go figure - day 18 - i haven't ovulated yet - WTF! I know you ladies have it way worse - but seriously - what a fucking joke. After day 18 - i just learned - your chance of miscarriage goes way up - so we're going to do one more natural cycle next month and then if that doesn't work - start some medication for me. I'm 100% not against people taking medication - the doctor just wants me to do one more cycle since every. single. other. cycle. has been 16-17 day surge. please dear God....

false alarm

i've 'disattached' myself so much from finding the new donor that the donor i thought we picked that retired is in fact not the donor. my plug-in wasn't working yesterday on my mac so i couldn't look at the picture of him - and i honestly believed it was that one.... today i log on to start looking again - look at the picture - and what do you know - our donor - has in fact - not retired.... hoy vey. i've got to get my shit together.