#2 - Retired

yep. another one bites the dust. it's a good thing i didn't have my heart set. back to the drawing board. we hope to start IUI in my next cycle.

i'm just plain annoyed.

i've decided

once again another one of my friends is expecting. last night, i was upset. i've always been someone who has prayed however i don't know how much intention i've brought to my prayers. things changed when my brother excepted treatment. it was a prayer that i wanted answered for a very long time & it finally was. it reminded me that things don't always happen exactly when we want them to.

i'm sick of being upset when i hear about friends having babies. i'm sick of it hurting & i'm sick of it getting to me. to be totally honest - it's a waste of my time and energy.

last night, i prayed not to be bitter. within five minutes i felt peace. i'm not kidding. this was my thought. i have choosen my friends. i choose to have people in my life that mean something to me. people who make me want to be better. people who have good morals, work hard, give back to their community & help strangers in need. my newest prego friend - is nothing shy of this. she's a really great person - and i should be bitter because she's going to be a mom again? a really great mom. a stable mom who will do anything for her family & who really seems to have an amazing relationship with her husband. who goes on dates with him, chooses not to do "mom night out things" when she knows her children need her and who chooses to have those nights with girlfriends when she knows she needs it more. who has choosen to put her cell phone away for the day to focus only on her kids.

i'm still going to be bitter over the 16 year olds, the parents that scream at their kids & a lot more terrible parents.

two new donors

we found two possible donors tonight that we like. . one - pretty darn good. then another - when we listened to the 2nd one - A was grinning from ear to ear. I'm not kidding. he's never done this with a donor yet. His personality is so much like A's - it's a little crazy. His Paternal Uncle had child that they list as "mental retardation". We've got something to think about.

so besides IF - it will happen when it happens crap you get from people who have kids - they also will tell you - that this doesn't matter. that you never know what you're going to get with your husband. i get that BUT here is the deal - it's the cream of the crop... why not increase your odds?

we have to read more medical history - i'm anxious to find out more.

you're not going to believe it (and no i'm not knocked up)

last monday, before we left for our trip, i asked A to email me the travel arrangements. he was flying out of Green Bay and I was flying out of MKE. We did this because work was paying for his way over priced ticked and we were paying for my ticket which was more than half the price of his. He was also traveling with a co-worker & I was traveling with his wife. So - I got the email & i looked - I had a layover in Denver (at the time of the booking, I knew I had a layover but didn't think of it again, because, really, it's a layover) but Denver - my brother is in Fort Collins, just an hour away.... I knew I had to go and see him. After talking with his therapist & trying to figure out all the details - it would have cost about 400.00 with the rental car & flight changes - and I would have gotten to see him for about oh 30 minutes. I'm going to see him at the end of April, so I just didn't think it was worth it.

tuesday. rain. snow. sleet. flight delayed, one hour. we knew in MKE that we would be missing our connecting flight to Denver so they looked at the next flight going out for me at 7:30pm. booked. 9:30 - I got the last seat on the plan. My friend had to fly to Charlotte & then Vegas - both getting into Vegas around the same time. I called my brothers therapist again - he said - come - he thought it would be great - my brother was in a session however he called me in a bit of a panic right before my flight left MKE & said, "three people said to call you, what's up?" I said, "do you wanna have dinner w/ your sister tonight?" he said, "what the fuck, what?" i explained. he was beyond excited. i didn't find out until later, but that morning, he called both my dad and his girlfriend and said that he knew he was in the right place but that he just really wanted to see a face from home. God is awesome. I've never in my life been more thrilled to have a delayed flight.

i drove like hell on wheels, picked up some McDonald's, & headed to see him. It was one of the best days of my life. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we kissed & held hands. His emotions were raw, i saw for the first time in more than 12 years, the little boy that i've loved all my life. The brother that I know. He's beautiful & he's so grateful to be where he is. It was amazing.

I had one hour with him.

I drove like hell on wheels back to Denver, had my flight not been delayed 15 minutes, I would have missed it. I've never run so fast in all my life (and i'm a runner).

I know there is a long road ahead of all of us.

I put some money in his student account & told the gang that putting the money on him was a way better decision than gambling it in Vegas. I proved that statement. After losing 100.00 on nickel slots, nickel slots people, i decided my money would be way better spent on new clothes.

My brother called me while in Vegas and said, "I still can't believe you came here to see me and went through all that trouble." I said (while crying), "I'd go to the moon and back for my clean brother." I think he's beginning to understand how I feel about him.

Vegas was great. Awesome food. Pool time. Amazing time with the hubby when he wasn't working & just what I needed.

In baby news, rock and roll guys. We subscribed to get full acess to all donors, next step, call the clinic when my period starts and come in on day 12 for an ultrasound. fingers crossed that the bumps in the road are few and far between.

Confirmation

We got confirmation from the sperm clinic yesterday that they received the paperwork from our clinic to have our sperm shipped directly there.... Our clinic just wants to do some very basic blood work on me & if all that comes back ok (dear God, I've been good so far, let it continue that way) we'll get started on unmediated IUI - extremely basic stuff here considering what other people have gone through.... there really is great relief in knowing I don't have to be the one to do the insemination myself, wonder about timing... etc...

Headed to Vegas in just a little bit - being hopefully that my life happens just as the saying goes - Vegas, baby....

ready. set. vegas

today marks day 32 or my life. i'm not saying 32 is old - i just really thought i would be done having kids by now. i thought a lot of things.

finally. our IF clinic in town has all of the paperwork that they feel they need to use in order to move forward. Our coordinator really wanted us to think long and hard that using a donor is what we wanted to do. I assured here that 7 years, almost 8 of marriage, off birth control from our wedding night, kind of trying, trying, wtf trying & this sucks trying have assured us that the donor route is the right one for us. The clinic seemed to have been partial to a sperm bank in IL. I just wasn't comfortable with it. It screamed sketchville to me. I wanted to make sure we could use our clinic (California Cyrobank) - the coordinator said, "oh yes, this won't be a problem, the bank in IL is under investigation." my gut is always right. We leave for Vegas on Tuesday - A has work out there and I'm just going along for the ride - after that - game on.

in little bro news - he called yesterday to wish me a day early happy birthday in case he didn't have time to call today - and then - called again today. i haven't talked to him on my birthday - nor have i been wished a happy birthday - in a long time. he won two awards in his program yesterday. i'm thrilled. i love him so much & i just pray that he continues to keep working this hard.

i feel like everything in my life is falling into place.

29:46

today my cell phone rang. I didn't know the number. I answered. The little boy that I've loved since the moment I first held him was on the other end of the phone. The now man, beginning his journey. My brother. 29 minutes and 46 seconds we talked. It was a little slice of heaven and heck we're being honest - a little slice of hell too. I was of course anxious, reminded of the last 12+ years of our relationship. Me being on edge. Feeling like any words wouldn't be the right ones. I had written him a letter, he thanked me for it. He said he's doing ok. Some withdrawal still showing it's way through with leg pain & irrational movement. He said his migraines & lower back pain is completely gone & he understands he's in the right place. Calling me must have taken balls for him. seriously. I love that kid so much. I just kept reassuring him that he's in the best place (he agrees) and that big hurdles will be coming his way (step 2 is communication) and that when he needs to cry - to cry - and that I support him in his life as long as it's a clean life. he said he knows that. i won't give you all the details but our conversation ended like this - my brother, "i love you j" me, "i love you j". I continue to pray. For him, for our family, healing, & strength.