add this to the i thought i was crazy but i'm not alone list.
i took a pregnancy test last week. sure did. about a week after my period ended. my period was weird this month, wasn't sure what was going on & i thought - oh maybe i'm pregnant.
of course, i'm not.
it's a good thing i got it at the dollar store and got my sanity back which i'm sure is temporary.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
in case you were wondering
things are still going remarkably well for my brother. tomorrow should be his last day in this phase and from there he'll move onto the next step of his treatment which i would expect to more than hellish for him. the part where he has to dig deep. figure out why he started doing drugs in the first place. address feelings. it's never been his favorite thing to do. funny part is, as a child, i was the one that could always find the words for him - i understood him better than his own parents do. i'm really looking forward to the day when i can have a real relationship with him again.
i have to say. this feels beyond amazing to be out about this. it's been this dark, looming, self sabotaging darkness for a long time. to know that i'm not alone. to read your comments.
that's this amazing infertility community. we know darkness. we also know light & we respect all the stages in between - even if we have to keep doing them over and over and over again to get the end result. really amazing group of ladies.
i don't want this blog to become a place where i talk about my brother all the time. truth be told, it's a little consuming right now & that's why you're hearing about it. I also feel like I want to keep telling you guys so that this amazing juju you've been sending to our family, keeps coming.
but
selfishly, i still want this to be about me. the little life we're trying hard to create. we literally waiting on paperwork to be sent to the new office. what drives me nuts is that i don't understand why they want pictures of A's nuts from 4 years ago before they will proceed with IUI if we are using donor sperm. who cares? it's just dumb. it's so annoying. why should that stop things for yet another month? why is something always making us wait again and again. grrr.... I'm off all week from work so i'm going to call tomorrow and tell or i mean ask them if we can just get a move on it already :)
from the bottom of my heart. thank you. makes me so grateful.
i have to say. this feels beyond amazing to be out about this. it's been this dark, looming, self sabotaging darkness for a long time. to know that i'm not alone. to read your comments.
that's this amazing infertility community. we know darkness. we also know light & we respect all the stages in between - even if we have to keep doing them over and over and over again to get the end result. really amazing group of ladies.
i don't want this blog to become a place where i talk about my brother all the time. truth be told, it's a little consuming right now & that's why you're hearing about it. I also feel like I want to keep telling you guys so that this amazing juju you've been sending to our family, keeps coming.
but
selfishly, i still want this to be about me. the little life we're trying hard to create. we literally waiting on paperwork to be sent to the new office. what drives me nuts is that i don't understand why they want pictures of A's nuts from 4 years ago before they will proceed with IUI if we are using donor sperm. who cares? it's just dumb. it's so annoying. why should that stop things for yet another month? why is something always making us wait again and again. grrr.... I'm off all week from work so i'm going to call tomorrow and tell or i mean ask them if we can just get a move on it already :)
from the bottom of my heart. thank you. makes me so grateful.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
it happened
just like the show. heck, just like the movies. beautiful. loving notes from our family, a professional interventionist & most importantly, a son, brother, grandson & boyfriend that was ready to accept the beautiful gift that was being offered to him.
never in my life have i been more proud of my family. of my brother & of myself for keeping my shit together.
in two hours his plan will land with the interventionist in denver, co where he'll begin detox.
i consider myself to be spirited, spiritual & i believe in a higher power. i did not attend church with my family growing up, but rather with our neighbor. my mom hates organized religion. that's a different story.
today. God was with us. he wrapped his loving arms around my parents beautiful home & there was no fighting, no yelling, no blaming. just simply, "fine, i'll go."
continue to pray please. i'm so humbled by all of this. my willingness to seek therapy to better understand this crazy addiction, my parents willingness.
God is so good.
never in my life have i been more proud of my family. of my brother & of myself for keeping my shit together.
in two hours his plan will land with the interventionist in denver, co where he'll begin detox.
i consider myself to be spirited, spiritual & i believe in a higher power. i did not attend church with my family growing up, but rather with our neighbor. my mom hates organized religion. that's a different story.
today. God was with us. he wrapped his loving arms around my parents beautiful home & there was no fighting, no yelling, no blaming. just simply, "fine, i'll go."
continue to pray please. i'm so humbled by all of this. my willingness to seek therapy to better understand this crazy addiction, my parents willingness.
God is so good.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
eternally optimistic
i've talk about this before. a near picture perfect childhood. not spoiled, but never went without. always loved. always safe. always cared for.
12 years ago - i found pot in my little brothers room. some may not think this is a big deal. my mom's side of the family has some serious mental health issues. i knew, it was bad news. my parents don't do drugs, my dad drinks sometimes & my mother never. they are both educated. they are also enablers. 12 years ago my older brother & i tried an intervention. they lies started. the denial. the never ending cycle of pretending our family was fine when really someone was dying a slow & scary death.
fast forward. my little brother continued to live at home until he was 26 years old. with his girlfriend. this is honest. you can't make this shit up people. time after time after time my parents just wouldn't believe it. then they bought a house. how? god only knows. it went into foreclosure. my family bailed him out. again. you can't make this shit up people. i was trying to explain to my dad how bad it was and he just would listen. denial. oh and - he didn't tell my mom about it. so, yesterday i got a phone call again - the house in in foreclosure again. this time. i was not. backing. down. i've had it. i'm done.
tomorrow a professional interventionist is coming to my parents house from a rehab facility. i will not be there.
i can't tell you how many times this has caused havoc in my life. i think even knowing that he is safe in a facility will bring so much peace to me.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. i certainly hope he takes this amazing gift that they are about to present to him.
whoever your higher power is, the prayer you say - say an extra one tonight for me please.
12 years ago - i found pot in my little brothers room. some may not think this is a big deal. my mom's side of the family has some serious mental health issues. i knew, it was bad news. my parents don't do drugs, my dad drinks sometimes & my mother never. they are both educated. they are also enablers. 12 years ago my older brother & i tried an intervention. they lies started. the denial. the never ending cycle of pretending our family was fine when really someone was dying a slow & scary death.
fast forward. my little brother continued to live at home until he was 26 years old. with his girlfriend. this is honest. you can't make this shit up people. time after time after time my parents just wouldn't believe it. then they bought a house. how? god only knows. it went into foreclosure. my family bailed him out. again. you can't make this shit up people. i was trying to explain to my dad how bad it was and he just would listen. denial. oh and - he didn't tell my mom about it. so, yesterday i got a phone call again - the house in in foreclosure again. this time. i was not. backing. down. i've had it. i'm done.
tomorrow a professional interventionist is coming to my parents house from a rehab facility. i will not be there.
i can't tell you how many times this has caused havoc in my life. i think even knowing that he is safe in a facility will bring so much peace to me.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. i certainly hope he takes this amazing gift that they are about to present to him.
whoever your higher power is, the prayer you say - say an extra one tonight for me please.
Monday, February 28, 2011
infertility. in one word.
i've been thinking, analyzing, digesting, & processing everything that A & I have been through the last 8 years of our marriage. about how everything that i said i would never do - i'm doing. and i'm really ok. i would never leave the state i was raised in - i did that. twice. it was the best thing we ever did. i said i'd never move to the city that his parents live in. i've done that. i couldn't be happy to be back in my home state and a just a few hours away from my family that means so much to me. i didn't think that i would ever get through life if i wasn't the first person in my family to have the first baby girl. someone beat me to it. besides her mom, dad & grandma - i might be the only one that can comfort her. i love her & wouldn't change a thing. i always said that by the time i turned 30 - i'd be done having kids - because i wanted to be a "young" mom. now i realize - if i was a "young" mom - i wouldn't have realized that all the things i never thought i could do - i did. sometimes if find myself quickly flipping from searching on our sperm bank website to waste of time - oh i mean facebook - because i've just had enough looking for one night. because no matter how long i look, how hard i look, or how many searches i do - i'll never find the perfect man because quite frankly, he's right next to me... and having him as the father of my children will be one of my proudest moments. when i think about infertility - i think about how everyone has their own story and quite honestly most are much more challenging than mine.
what's the one word you would use to describe infertility?
what's the one word you would use to describe infertility?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
ahhh haaa moments
this winter - shortly after finding out our old donor retired - i was in a town about two hours away and at a big market taking pictures of some little girls for their parents. there was a gift shop there & i love any kind of sign that has words on it. i saw this one out of the corner of my eye:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. You gain strength, courage, & confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."
I didn't get the sign. I was working & thought it might be a little out of place. I've thought about it almost everyday since then. Found the artist online - and the sign was no longer being made. Yesterday, I found it in a store here in town. I almost sprinted to the front of the store to have them take it down.
I find it a little ironic that Friday I go to our new clinic to get things started with a new donor. We actually have not picked a new donor. We've picked three. All are fine. We have been using what we think is the best clinic in the country - 700 men apply - 1 man gets chosen to donate. This man is not raising our child. He's giving us a beautiful beautiful gift - but it's no longer about me obsession about his every detail. I just can't wait for the day to come when my husband holds his baby in his arms - regardless of the DNA.
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. You gain strength, courage, & confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."
I didn't get the sign. I was working & thought it might be a little out of place. I've thought about it almost everyday since then. Found the artist online - and the sign was no longer being made. Yesterday, I found it in a store here in town. I almost sprinted to the front of the store to have them take it down.
I find it a little ironic that Friday I go to our new clinic to get things started with a new donor. We actually have not picked a new donor. We've picked three. All are fine. We have been using what we think is the best clinic in the country - 700 men apply - 1 man gets chosen to donate. This man is not raising our child. He's giving us a beautiful beautiful gift - but it's no longer about me obsession about his every detail. I just can't wait for the day to come when my husband holds his baby in his arms - regardless of the DNA.
Friday, February 4, 2011
our house
this weekend we agreed to take our friends kids. a little girl who just turned 4 & a little boy who is a peanut but almost 2. we also decided that we should get our PAL for the weekend - she's almost 7 and she gets along great with the 4 year old. for those of you who haven't read about our PAL - she's been affected with the trifecta - she was abused mental & physical by her father and confessed to me this summer that she was also abused sexually. she hasn't seen her dad since may & i'd love if she never saw him again. she's thriving without him. things were so bad that the last time he visited her - she got expelled from school the next day for beating the shit out of a kid - as a kindergartner. the amazing people surrounding her - couldn't figure it out. are you fucking kidding me? it's crazy. but that's not the point of this.
my day started at 6:30 to a crazy dirty diaper, making egg, pancakes, waffles, toast, and another egg. all by 7:30. followed by getting everyone ready, playing, going for a run, playing, decorating cupcakes, making lunch, reading books, naps, showering, making dinner for a birthday party, inviting guest over, dealing with the 4 year old peeing her pants, baths, two more dirty diapers, dinner, 4 loads of laundry, 3 loads in the dishwasher & a whole day of kissing, positive reinforcement & making sure my husband got some sweet kisses too.
i got to play house today. all day long. it was magical. i tried not to think about it being painful - to just remain grateful - that people trust me. love me & give me their children with open arms knowing that they will come back healthy and happy. it reminds me that just because the DNA of our child will most likely only be ours (maybe neither of ours if IUI doesn't work, well do adoption) the child will be our baby. right now i'm to the point that any child will be perfect with me.
it also is a reminder that the constant bitching that parents do on facebook with their kids really irritates me. so this was my wall post last night:
an almost two year old, a four year old & a six year old - all snug as a bug in a rug at our house... i know this is some peoples "normal" but it's pretty darn amazing for us. cherish your children. they are amazing.
i hope they got the point.
i get to play house tomorrow too until the superbowl.... that's right folks green & gold all the way!!
my day started at 6:30 to a crazy dirty diaper, making egg, pancakes, waffles, toast, and another egg. all by 7:30. followed by getting everyone ready, playing, going for a run, playing, decorating cupcakes, making lunch, reading books, naps, showering, making dinner for a birthday party, inviting guest over, dealing with the 4 year old peeing her pants, baths, two more dirty diapers, dinner, 4 loads of laundry, 3 loads in the dishwasher & a whole day of kissing, positive reinforcement & making sure my husband got some sweet kisses too.
i got to play house today. all day long. it was magical. i tried not to think about it being painful - to just remain grateful - that people trust me. love me & give me their children with open arms knowing that they will come back healthy and happy. it reminds me that just because the DNA of our child will most likely only be ours (maybe neither of ours if IUI doesn't work, well do adoption) the child will be our baby. right now i'm to the point that any child will be perfect with me.
it also is a reminder that the constant bitching that parents do on facebook with their kids really irritates me. so this was my wall post last night:
an almost two year old, a four year old & a six year old - all snug as a bug in a rug at our house... i know this is some peoples "normal" but it's pretty darn amazing for us. cherish your children. they are amazing.
i hope they got the point.
i get to play house tomorrow too until the superbowl.... that's right folks green & gold all the way!!
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