Happy New Year

i'm nestled in my fluffy white blanket with a nice cup of coffee & enjoying the peace and quiet that surrounds me on my last day of vacation. i left last week Wednesday to start our Christmas celebration and i've been home a whole 24 hours since then. my brothers family and his four kids live two hours away & he and his wife are both teachers so i got to spend some good quality time with them. i even managed to steal my sister in law away for a whole day of outlet & ikea shopping - it was really wonderful.

i spent new years with my bestest friends. when i was five, a little girl was hiding behind a garbage can, shy, new to our school, & afraid - i asked her to play - we've been playing ever since. she now lives in san diego, dated a boy from 18-20 - moved on with her life, reconnected with him at 27 & married him three weeks later, had two beautiful children with him - oh and he's a seal. a real live navy seal, & he's deployed. she's "home" in wisconsin to stay with her mom for part of the time that he's gone and i feel beyond thankful that she's here. she is drop dead beautiful. has a body to drool over. is an amazing mom. a wonderful sister to her younger brother, an awesome daughter, a faithful friend but most importantly a wife that loves her husband unlike any love i have ever seen. yesterday morning after a 4am night of cocktails and conversation (who stays up until 4?) she was up with her kids and i came downstairs to hear her talking to her son. he's colored some pictures and she asks him if he'd like to send it to daddy. she bets that daddy would really like it in his room. i start to cry. i don't let her see. i just continue to wash dishes & remind myself that i have so much to be thankful for. little things like taking the dogs out in the morning. right now, her husband is on a ship. somewhere. that's all she knows. she never complains. i mean never. in her 5+ years of marriage i've heard her cry about him leaving once. she knew getting into it that this was going to be her life. she's so strong.

daily, i'm thankful. for my amazing friends (and i'll weed out the not so amazing ones) :) & i've decided that this year for my new years resolution i'm going to take the time once a month - choose a friend or family member - write them a card - reminding them how much a value them - put a stamp on it - and mail it in the united states postal service. it's all about getting back to basics for me.

i keep waiting

for big news. to post about a new discovery that we've made in the world of infertility - that we've finally gone to the endo and he's discovered something else than uttering the words we already know - "oh, your testicles are small." - seriously? we already know that - and ps doctor - i think they are just fine.

another rounds of test. another - oh you're within normal range but not really - so much so that we'd like to send you to the mayo clinic - oh really? what are we missing here?

i promise i've been reading blogs - just nothing much to report on our end - let's be honest - i hope 2011 is a better year.

annoying

i feel most days like we have a pretty good handle on our decisions with starting a family. this spring A will be getting his bonus. he's has had a really great year. his bonus will allow for us to pay off a big chunk of the debt from business school. it will no longer make us the 30 something couple that lives paycheck to paycheck. it's a good feeling. would it be enough for us to do IVF? yes. but we'd be right back in the same place we are now. driving two old cars, not saving & add a child to the mix of no money - it wouldn't be good. we both know this.

this afternoon - the little boy that i watch - his mom - called me to tell me she went to her OBGYN today and that such and such doctor can do this and that and blah blah blah! no shit sherlock - you don't think we've looked into every possible thing in this small town wisconsin?

sometimes i get so annoyed by everyone (people that haven't faced infertility) giving there two sense - it's times like this that i really regret telling anyone IRL about what is going on and why we don't have children.

giving thanks

it's the season to be thankful. i'd love to have a big pity party... but i'll do that tomorrow. tonight. i give thanks.

1. my marriage. not perfect. flawed. broken at times & carefully mended back together.
2. my husband. i have no idea what tree he fell off of but i often wish we needed eggs & not sperm - because they don't come better than him (except when he doesn't pick his clothes up or bites his fingernails)... giving thanks.
3. my legs. to run. run. run. exercise has kept me sane.
4. my nikon. my photography business is busy & it's a more than welcomed distraction.
5. my grandmother. seven miscarriages. she gives me hope.
6. my mother. her true & honest attempt to "understand" this year - made me realize i love her more now than i ever thought possible.
7. my big brother. same as my mom.
8. my best girlfriends. they listen.
9. my father. the most humble, kind & caring man alive.
10. my childhood.

true story

friday night. chicago. two amazing friends. one AM. we had dinner late - so we had a few glasses of wine - but nothing crazy. i'm talking IF. they listen. so well. like i said - amazing friends. i ask if they'd like to see a picture of our donor (we bought the childhood pictures). they said YES YES YES! so excited for us. i login to my iphone - our donor - fucking retired. not kidding. no warning. missed the opportunity to buy. retired. seriously. i'm about ready to lose my shit.

this is the song that will not end. it just goes on and on my friends.

i hope & pray that the families that already have kids with our donor were able to buy enough if they so choose to have the same DNA w/ their children - but this sucks.

don't you worry - i ordered a martini - this IF bullshit wasn't going to ruin a perfectly good night in chicago ladies.

switching gears

i'm so happy the elections are over. if there is one thing i can't stand more than people posting pictures of their kids in their cute halloween costumes - it's their political views. i don't want to hear about it. honestly. i grew up in a house with a democrat & a republican. for 38 married years - it has worked. our household is the same. one democrat - one republican. honestly - i could give a rats ass who you vote for but if you push it down my throat - i'll choke you :)

in our IF world - tomorrow we're going to another doctor - to approach this in a whole new view - a simple - thing for A to say - 'I don't feel well & my hair is falling out' - HELP.... maybe - just maybe - we can get to the bottom of this (a girl can have big dreams can't she?)

we also found a clinic where we'll do our next IUI - it's dirt cheap. i met a girl at a bar (don't judge) who used a donor - and she said that she gave me the number for the clinic. the women at the clinic talked to me on the phone yesterday for 25 minutes. she never tried to stop me. she listened - i know, can you believe it? amazing. now we have to get all the paperwork get it faxed over - and start over again with me...

Giuliana & Bill

anyone else watch them? they did ivf - they had a miscarriage.

it's sad right now. giuliana is trying to remain positive - bill is wanting to get a move on it right away again & friends are saying all the wrong things.

goes to show - the best doctors, the best care & a whole lot of money can't cure everything.

i wish there was a way for the IF world to reach out to her - to let her know we're here - and we get it.