Interesting

Just because we're having a child doesn't mean that I haven't stopped digging. I still want answers. I want to know why we weren't able to use A's DNA to have our child. I want him to feel better. I want him to be the best he can be.

My friend (I'll call her AB for lack of confusion) and I get each other. In the 1st grade she moved to our school and was very very shy - I am not - I made her come out and play with me. Best decision ever. When I think of my childhood my best moments are when she's a part of it - 27 years later - I still feel the same way about her - She now lives clear across the country and her amazing husband has a job that protects our country in a way very few human beings do - so he needs to run at 100%, 100% of the time. Needless to say on her last visit home she started talking about some testing he was having done and it really perked my interest. He & I ended up talking about it for a very long time and A and I decided to move forward with it for him ( I was already prego at the time so we decided not to do it for me but just for him for now). The test results are in.

A has a larger sensitivity to Turkey and Corn than he does to Shrimp (he carries an epi-pen) - we are waiting to talk to the doctor this week - but is it possible that it's killing him from the inside and shutting down his system.

I'm interested - I don't know about you - but here's the link for Relevance Health.

http://www.relevancehealth.com/testing--results.html

9 weeks, Day 4

So far, so good. We saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks. It was fantastic to know that we're finally getting somewhere. All I do is worry. I don't even want to talk about it because I'm afraid it's not real.

My lovely in laws (hormones perhaps) took it upon themselves to tell A's entire family we were expected even though we talked to them hard core about not peeping a word. Nothing like a facebook email from A's cousin to remind me that I went from already being annoyed with them to being straight up pissed off. Right after telling them we got a card from them that said, "you're going to be great parents but we're going to be awesome grandparents love, mom & dad." Followed by her already telling me that she'll be giving our kid juice and whatever else crap she wants when I'm not around. I then informed her that it was "my baby" and she quickly responded, "no it's not your baby, it's our baby, i've been waiting just as long as you have" - OH really? Was your husband giving you injections in your ass? Instead I responded with, "you can see the kid or not see the kid - it's your choice." After telling these three stories with a few friends they inform me it's just going to get worse. I know this. My MIL tells people her mother is dead. She is not. She is alive and living in Mississippi. She chooses not to speak with her. Gives you a pretty good idea the kind of person I'm dealing with. Oh - she also drinks - everynight. I spent a solid year in therapy trying to figure out ways to deal with her. hoy vey!

So maybe because of the second paragraph - I haven't talked about it much because I don't want to deal with annoying people until we feel a little less scared that something bad is going to happen.

So for the happy part. I took the dumb at home test and didn't believe it so i went to the doctor the same day and got confirmation that things were really happening. In my true style I was in the hallway with my nurse and shouted, "it's about fucking time."

avoidance

that's what i've been doing on this blog. i don't want to hurt anyones feelings. i don't want to make anyone upset. so i've been avoiding it all together. but i have to come clean.

we're having a baby.

things are moving along right as they should be. my heart was racing so fast when they took my blood that my vein collapsed.

i'm sicker than a dog - but happier than a turkey that was saved on thanksgiving.

confidence

confidence is a funny thing to have. the state of being certain. saturday morning after i walked out of the procedure room i had all the confidence in the world that this time it was going to work. they figured out the ovulation, the prolactin, we got the right donor & an extra shot in the ass just for added security. i was confident that this time was our time. the doctor that did the procedure is not my normal doctor. this guy was on call for the weekend. i've heard stories that his bedside manners are terrible, he has no personality & he's not easy to talk to. I went in there confident that i was going to have a different experience with him. one of my friends told me he's got a really dry sense of humor & i went with it. I had him laughing in the first few minutes. I'm not sure if it was my comment about getting me knocked up while my husband was still in bed or asking him about airplanes. I liked this guy so much, that I might switch doctors. I get him. He got me. Score. My first male doctor. He put all that magical equipment in me so fast i hardly had time to know what was going on. He's efficient. No time wasted. I put my feet up, tilted my pelvis up - and he we shot the breeze for a bit. When i was all done -I asked about the counts. Not so great. Our sperm clinics thaw process is different from others that it's very fast - with the thought that a little more thawing might happen inside of me - the perfect temp. i left feeling pretty good. confident.

i had a nice weekend. i had the opportunity to talk to one of my dear friends this afternoon & i found out she's 13 weeks pregnant. it just stings like a son of a bitch. the confidence goes right out the window. I'm happy for them, i really am. she's an incredible human being - they will make great parents - but so will A & I. Why are we the ones that have to sit around and wait and wait and fucking wait. i'm so incredibly sick of waiting.

i'm trying to be confident, optimistic & patient. I really am. but for the love of God - let's get on with the show already.

day 15

two follicles as of Tuesday at 7am. one measured 15.89 & the other 16.something... still no positive on my opt - this morning i went in again - two follicles still kicking it - 18.89 & 19.65 - tomorrow morning we'll do the HCG shot & then iui saturday - another 2ww - my hopes aren't high - just trying to be chill and real about it all. if it doesn't work this month - two more months and then we'll have to have some serious conversations about our next step.

bromocriptine/clomid/hcg

i feel like everything i didn't ever want to feel like. i'm bloated. i feel like i could puke. i have hot flashes. i just started that new shit for my prolactin levels being high - they said the side effects are "horrible". i can't help but think if i wouldn't have sat around an waited until i was 32 to be ok with using a donors sperm that maybe, just maybe, my body wouldn't be doing this freak out shit on me. i feel like i'm failing adam. i'm feeling guilty for all the years of telling people it was him - when really it's been us. i'm tired. i'm working way more than i should be. my house is a mess (although cleaning my oven at 11pm has been a great idea),

if i see another ungrateful mother i might punch her brains out.

so here's our plan.

bromocroptine until i get prego
clomid days 3-7
hcg - a's going to learn how to give it on friday. joy.

tuesday - ultrasound

iui - i would guess in a week or so...


infertility really is the song that never ends.

bfn

bfn again this month. i'm doing ok. i'm so busy with everything else that's going on in my life that i tend to only cry when i sit down to think about it. i'm just fucking sick of it. this was iui #4 and i feel like i have no reason to complain to people who have been through a hell of a lot more.

this weekend the hubbies parents took it upon themselves to take our guest table cards at a cousins wedding and seat us right next to - the pregnant cousin and the cousin who just had her 5th kid (white trash). not kidding. i cried. right at the table. fuck em' - the pregnant cousin told me i should have been at her shower because she had gluten free cupcakes - i wanted to smack her. the other cousin told me later on in the night that other people she works with are just jealous of her because she can have kids and it's her right to have as many as she wants. i about died. actually - i just looked at her and walked away. mid conversation.

in happy news. we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. i ended the night by trying my dress on for kicks. it was too big. felt good.

just hanging tight to figure out what we have to do next since my prolactin levels were high last month. urgh. maybe we should just go right to ivf.

control

I realize now that the idea of getting donor sperm and insemination working out quickly was a dream. I also know now that not getting pregnant from our last donor was a blessing. I felt like I knew everything about him. Maybe it was borderline crazy wanting to know every last detail - and then losing that - let's be honest - losing the little control I had - was terrible. With our new donor - A picked him out - I know little about him. I know he's healthy. I know when A had me listen to his voice & he spoke - A smiled. He fit. They seem to be a lot alike. I know how fortunate I am that getting a donor right off the bat was 100% A's idea. Even being in a different situation financially now - we both feel that a donor is still the right route - start fresh - hope for the best.

tomorrow i got back for another u/s - see what the clomid day for me (days 3-7) & meet with the doctor - I can tell you what it did for me - a case of the bloat - horrible hot flashes & the ability to start crying more easily than a young child in need of a nap.

update

sometimes no news is good news. other times no news means not really wanting to talk about reality. i'll start with the no news is good news news.

my brother has been clean and sober for five months. my mom, dad, older brother, myself, my hubby & my little brothers girlfriend all flew out for graduation. my older brothers wife and four kids stayed behind. it was the first time my dad has flown since 1982. to say he needed a vacation is an understatement. while i know that my brothers battle is not over - he has the tools he needs to have the best life possible. the amount of peace that has overcome my heart is hard to describe.

now not wanting to talk about reality.

in the last three months - my cycle has gone from 31-33 days to 37. i'm getting an OPT at day 22. not kidding. our dr informed us that after day 18 our chance of miscarriage goes up - however - my follicles look amazing. last month - two of them neck in neck for egg race. so - high miscarriage rate or high multiple rate with clomid. i'm now on day 2 of clomid. i just don't understand after all the crap with A - why are we dealing with crap with me now.

update

- where have i been? that's a great question.

- i've officially launched my photography business & it's keeping me more than busy.

- i've been out to visit that brother of mine - you know - the one who was on drugs - but has now been clean for 90 - yes - 90 days. he's gained 25lbs - looks beautiful & tells me he loves me all the time. not kidding. he's still in treatment and should graduate in just a few weeks which i know is a whole new ball game - so until then - i'm in present time - and that brings me joy.

- that photography business i started - you need - a computer these days to start such thing -so wouldn't you know - three big jobs - my old mac couldn't keep up with the big boys anymore - and i was without a computer for a bit - and now i have a desktop... it's kind of nice not trying to multi task and having to come upstairs to work.

- that having a baby thing - what this blog is all about - is a mess right now. we picked our new donor - swimmers are patiently waiting at our clinic and wouldn't you go figure - day 18 - i haven't ovulated yet - WTF! I know you ladies have it way worse - but seriously - what a fucking joke. After day 18 - i just learned - your chance of miscarriage goes way up - so we're going to do one more natural cycle next month and then if that doesn't work - start some medication for me. I'm 100% not against people taking medication - the doctor just wants me to do one more cycle since every. single. other. cycle. has been 16-17 day surge. please dear God....

false alarm

i've 'disattached' myself so much from finding the new donor that the donor i thought we picked that retired is in fact not the donor. my plug-in wasn't working yesterday on my mac so i couldn't look at the picture of him - and i honestly believed it was that one.... today i log on to start looking again - look at the picture - and what do you know - our donor - has in fact - not retired.... hoy vey. i've got to get my shit together.

#2 - Retired

yep. another one bites the dust. it's a good thing i didn't have my heart set. back to the drawing board. we hope to start IUI in my next cycle.

i'm just plain annoyed.

i've decided

once again another one of my friends is expecting. last night, i was upset. i've always been someone who has prayed however i don't know how much intention i've brought to my prayers. things changed when my brother excepted treatment. it was a prayer that i wanted answered for a very long time & it finally was. it reminded me that things don't always happen exactly when we want them to.

i'm sick of being upset when i hear about friends having babies. i'm sick of it hurting & i'm sick of it getting to me. to be totally honest - it's a waste of my time and energy.

last night, i prayed not to be bitter. within five minutes i felt peace. i'm not kidding. this was my thought. i have choosen my friends. i choose to have people in my life that mean something to me. people who make me want to be better. people who have good morals, work hard, give back to their community & help strangers in need. my newest prego friend - is nothing shy of this. she's a really great person - and i should be bitter because she's going to be a mom again? a really great mom. a stable mom who will do anything for her family & who really seems to have an amazing relationship with her husband. who goes on dates with him, chooses not to do "mom night out things" when she knows her children need her and who chooses to have those nights with girlfriends when she knows she needs it more. who has choosen to put her cell phone away for the day to focus only on her kids.

i'm still going to be bitter over the 16 year olds, the parents that scream at their kids & a lot more terrible parents.

two new donors

we found two possible donors tonight that we like. . one - pretty darn good. then another - when we listened to the 2nd one - A was grinning from ear to ear. I'm not kidding. he's never done this with a donor yet. His personality is so much like A's - it's a little crazy. His Paternal Uncle had child that they list as "mental retardation". We've got something to think about.

so besides IF - it will happen when it happens crap you get from people who have kids - they also will tell you - that this doesn't matter. that you never know what you're going to get with your husband. i get that BUT here is the deal - it's the cream of the crop... why not increase your odds?

we have to read more medical history - i'm anxious to find out more.

you're not going to believe it (and no i'm not knocked up)

last monday, before we left for our trip, i asked A to email me the travel arrangements. he was flying out of Green Bay and I was flying out of MKE. We did this because work was paying for his way over priced ticked and we were paying for my ticket which was more than half the price of his. He was also traveling with a co-worker & I was traveling with his wife. So - I got the email & i looked - I had a layover in Denver (at the time of the booking, I knew I had a layover but didn't think of it again, because, really, it's a layover) but Denver - my brother is in Fort Collins, just an hour away.... I knew I had to go and see him. After talking with his therapist & trying to figure out all the details - it would have cost about 400.00 with the rental car & flight changes - and I would have gotten to see him for about oh 30 minutes. I'm going to see him at the end of April, so I just didn't think it was worth it.

tuesday. rain. snow. sleet. flight delayed, one hour. we knew in MKE that we would be missing our connecting flight to Denver so they looked at the next flight going out for me at 7:30pm. booked. 9:30 - I got the last seat on the plan. My friend had to fly to Charlotte & then Vegas - both getting into Vegas around the same time. I called my brothers therapist again - he said - come - he thought it would be great - my brother was in a session however he called me in a bit of a panic right before my flight left MKE & said, "three people said to call you, what's up?" I said, "do you wanna have dinner w/ your sister tonight?" he said, "what the fuck, what?" i explained. he was beyond excited. i didn't find out until later, but that morning, he called both my dad and his girlfriend and said that he knew he was in the right place but that he just really wanted to see a face from home. God is awesome. I've never in my life been more thrilled to have a delayed flight.

i drove like hell on wheels, picked up some McDonald's, & headed to see him. It was one of the best days of my life. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we kissed & held hands. His emotions were raw, i saw for the first time in more than 12 years, the little boy that i've loved all my life. The brother that I know. He's beautiful & he's so grateful to be where he is. It was amazing.

I had one hour with him.

I drove like hell on wheels back to Denver, had my flight not been delayed 15 minutes, I would have missed it. I've never run so fast in all my life (and i'm a runner).

I know there is a long road ahead of all of us.

I put some money in his student account & told the gang that putting the money on him was a way better decision than gambling it in Vegas. I proved that statement. After losing 100.00 on nickel slots, nickel slots people, i decided my money would be way better spent on new clothes.

My brother called me while in Vegas and said, "I still can't believe you came here to see me and went through all that trouble." I said (while crying), "I'd go to the moon and back for my clean brother." I think he's beginning to understand how I feel about him.

Vegas was great. Awesome food. Pool time. Amazing time with the hubby when he wasn't working & just what I needed.

In baby news, rock and roll guys. We subscribed to get full acess to all donors, next step, call the clinic when my period starts and come in on day 12 for an ultrasound. fingers crossed that the bumps in the road are few and far between.

Confirmation

We got confirmation from the sperm clinic yesterday that they received the paperwork from our clinic to have our sperm shipped directly there.... Our clinic just wants to do some very basic blood work on me & if all that comes back ok (dear God, I've been good so far, let it continue that way) we'll get started on unmediated IUI - extremely basic stuff here considering what other people have gone through.... there really is great relief in knowing I don't have to be the one to do the insemination myself, wonder about timing... etc...

Headed to Vegas in just a little bit - being hopefully that my life happens just as the saying goes - Vegas, baby....

ready. set. vegas

today marks day 32 or my life. i'm not saying 32 is old - i just really thought i would be done having kids by now. i thought a lot of things.

finally. our IF clinic in town has all of the paperwork that they feel they need to use in order to move forward. Our coordinator really wanted us to think long and hard that using a donor is what we wanted to do. I assured here that 7 years, almost 8 of marriage, off birth control from our wedding night, kind of trying, trying, wtf trying & this sucks trying have assured us that the donor route is the right one for us. The clinic seemed to have been partial to a sperm bank in IL. I just wasn't comfortable with it. It screamed sketchville to me. I wanted to make sure we could use our clinic (California Cyrobank) - the coordinator said, "oh yes, this won't be a problem, the bank in IL is under investigation." my gut is always right. We leave for Vegas on Tuesday - A has work out there and I'm just going along for the ride - after that - game on.

in little bro news - he called yesterday to wish me a day early happy birthday in case he didn't have time to call today - and then - called again today. i haven't talked to him on my birthday - nor have i been wished a happy birthday - in a long time. he won two awards in his program yesterday. i'm thrilled. i love him so much & i just pray that he continues to keep working this hard.

i feel like everything in my life is falling into place.

29:46

today my cell phone rang. I didn't know the number. I answered. The little boy that I've loved since the moment I first held him was on the other end of the phone. The now man, beginning his journey. My brother. 29 minutes and 46 seconds we talked. It was a little slice of heaven and heck we're being honest - a little slice of hell too. I was of course anxious, reminded of the last 12+ years of our relationship. Me being on edge. Feeling like any words wouldn't be the right ones. I had written him a letter, he thanked me for it. He said he's doing ok. Some withdrawal still showing it's way through with leg pain & irrational movement. He said his migraines & lower back pain is completely gone & he understands he's in the right place. Calling me must have taken balls for him. seriously. I love that kid so much. I just kept reassuring him that he's in the best place (he agrees) and that big hurdles will be coming his way (step 2 is communication) and that when he needs to cry - to cry - and that I support him in his life as long as it's a clean life. he said he knows that. i won't give you all the details but our conversation ended like this - my brother, "i love you j" me, "i love you j". I continue to pray. For him, for our family, healing, & strength.

oh i forgot

add this to the i thought i was crazy but i'm not alone list.

i took a pregnancy test last week. sure did. about a week after my period ended. my period was weird this month, wasn't sure what was going on & i thought - oh maybe i'm pregnant.

of course, i'm not.

it's a good thing i got it at the dollar store and got my sanity back which i'm sure is temporary.

in case you were wondering

things are still going remarkably well for my brother. tomorrow should be his last day in this phase and from there he'll move onto the next step of his treatment which i would expect to more than hellish for him. the part where he has to dig deep. figure out why he started doing drugs in the first place. address feelings. it's never been his favorite thing to do. funny part is, as a child, i was the one that could always find the words for him - i understood him better than his own parents do. i'm really looking forward to the day when i can have a real relationship with him again.

i have to say. this feels beyond amazing to be out about this. it's been this dark, looming, self sabotaging darkness for a long time. to know that i'm not alone. to read your comments.

that's this amazing infertility community. we know darkness. we also know light & we respect all the stages in between - even if we have to keep doing them over and over and over again to get the end result. really amazing group of ladies.

i don't want this blog to become a place where i talk about my brother all the time. truth be told, it's a little consuming right now & that's why you're hearing about it. I also feel like I want to keep telling you guys so that this amazing juju you've been sending to our family, keeps coming.

but

selfishly, i still want this to be about me. the little life we're trying hard to create. we literally waiting on paperwork to be sent to the new office. what drives me nuts is that i don't understand why they want pictures of A's nuts from 4 years ago before they will proceed with IUI if we are using donor sperm. who cares? it's just dumb. it's so annoying. why should that stop things for yet another month? why is something always making us wait again and again. grrr.... I'm off all week from work so i'm going to call tomorrow and tell or i mean ask them if we can just get a move on it already :)

from the bottom of my heart. thank you. makes me so grateful.